Sometimes, being happy is a battle for me. I imagine myself as a stanch fighter in some kind of war, like the war at the beginning of "The Lord of the Rings" movie, fighting against the powers that would make me unhappy, because the key to happiness lies just on the other side of the opposing army. A weird picture to be sure, but that's what happens when you're a dork with an overactive, visual imagination.
Last February 14th, I was realized I had depression. Two days later, I was diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety. Writing, or saying, this on paper or out loud is not difficult when I share my experience with a trusted few. I knew that I would inevitably share this particular trial with many. And for some reason, I feel the need to share tonight.
The two months prior to that fateful day, and the three months after, were the hardest in my life. I have never known despair to that extent. I felt hopeless, helpless, miserable, and empty. I had nothing to give; I could only take.
But, and this is a big but, because I knew sadness to that depth, I knew that I could also experience happiness to that degree, and more.
There is a stigma in many cultures, particularly in the Utah culture, that the word depression is a synonym for crazy. I think this is why I don't share my experience with many. I am not ashamed of myself, but leaving the sacred parts of my life open to the judgements and sneers of those who choose not to understand is difficult.
I heard once that we should not share sacred experiences with many, because they lose their sanctity, much like I shouldn't tell someone I'm in love with them when I really am unsure of my feelings. And although my trial with depression is sacred, I refuse to let an unhappy memory have power of my life. Instead, I choose to let it be a secure foothold in my life. A place where I know I have strength, courage, and experience so that it cannot be an unhappy memory anymore. Depression has been replaced with wisdom and love.
There are many things that help me now. I don't feel the need to share them. I just want to illustrate that sometimes my happiness is a choice and a battle. Today was a difficult day to keep fighting though.
The past few days have been really tough. I missed an extremely important grad school deadline and almost forgot another. I still have no idea what to do with my life after August, I feel like I'm in limbo, I feel like I can't do anything right, that people have no faith in me, and that if they do have faith in me that it's a wasted effort, and that all things that I have been trying to do "better" lately have been for naught. I feel depressed.
Maybe it's the time of year or the fact that the sun hasn't been out in a really long time, maybe I'm fighting what I'm supposed to really be doing instead of what God needs me to be doing, maybe I don't know what I really want. Maybe it's P.M.S.
I don't know.
What I do know is that writing about this helps me. Sharing my experience does too. Maybe that's all I need to know right now.
2 comments:
Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. I like the positive twist on not sharing "sacred" experiences. I just prefer not to share with those more inclined toward judgment as opposed to compassion. There is no greater judge than self, so why add a jury?
The concern you are feeling about your future is completely normal, and guess what, My Lovely, not limited to those post-graduates of English Literature.
Finally, you are loved by many, many people and those people greatly value you as a fixture in our lives. When you are too tired or sad, we are your strength and your happiness, just as you are ours when we are exhausted and despairing. This, this is the true love of Christ, not the outward keeping of laws for the eyes of neighbors to criticize. You are precious and invaluable.
Sarah, I love you! And I am very sure of that! I hope you have some good days soon; I also hope that the sun starts shining too. I really miss my whole life in Cedar City, including you.
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