Musical Countdown 2008

A friend on Facebook recently gave me this idea. So, in no way am I being original here, but I think it'll be fun for me anyways.

Many of you know I have a mild obsession with music, so I thought it would be fun to share my Top 10 new songs of 2008. These songs, sometimes of singular enjoyment, for the most part started some kind of love affair, so if any strikes your fancy, I will love having been able to share with you :D (Note - these songs can now be listened to in my handy-dandy music playlist located on the right.)

10. "December is for Cynics" by The Matches

Oh, The Matches. They are kooky and crazy and weird and I totally love them. It took me a few listens to catch onto their style and actually appreciate it, but I am oh-so glad that I did.

"Used is the new black / Downloads are the new crack / Mocking carols that we hate / Damn, it's easy being great"

9. "My Same" by Adele

Many people have heard the amazing single "Hometown Glory" by Adele, but I think I like this song more. Her voice is so deep and rich - I could listen everyday. Maybe it's the sass in her voice or it could be that she's an amazing beautiful woman who just happens to be fluffy, but I love this song!

"You're so provocative, I'm so conservative / You're so adventurous, I'm so very cautious, combining / You'd think we would and we do"

8. "So Contagious" by Acceptance

It's the type of magically wonderfully romantic sentimental love song that only works it's way into my system once every few years.

"Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected... You're the only one I want to take a shot on / Keep me hanging on, so contagiously"

7. "Jesus Christ" by Brand New

Now, on paper, Brand New should be everything I love in a band, but alas, I do not love them - at all. I have been harsh on their sound and what I felt to be empty lyrics until this song. As such, I make one exception for Brand New and this song is it.

"Jesus Christ has a pretty face / The kind you could find on someone that could save... Well, Jesus Christ I'm alone again / So what did you do those three days you were dead? / Because this problem's gonna last / More than the weekend"

6. "The Dress Looks Nice on You" by Sufjan Stevens

I will dance to this song at my wedding and then make love to it afterwards.

"I can see a lot of life in you / I can see a lot of bright in you / And I think the dress looks nice on you"

5. "Carry Me Home Ohio" by Sun Kil Moon

This song definitely started my love affair with the band. They are a part of my expanding affinity for hippie music. (Also see The RedHouse Painters if you are down with these lyrics/sounds.)

"Green green youth / what about the sweetness we knew / what about what's good and what's true / from those days / can't count to / all the lovers I've burned through / so why do I still burn for you / I can't say." 

4. "Gone" by the Bouncing Souls

Funny story about this band. Sometimes, to get the attention of boys, I will lie about music... in that I will tell them I know about a band and like the band. Now, although I might lie, I definitely try to get a sense of the genre of the band on the off chance I have never heard of them so that I don't sound like an idiot/poser. A very cute boy I used to work with always a shirt with a pirate and a Bouncing Souls logo. I thought to myself, "This has to be a band." And, judging by his personality, I was guessing some kind of old school punk. After initiating a conversation and wowing his socks, I had to look them up when I got home. Although I found this band in 2007 and they are currently in my Top 3 favorites, I did not find this song until 2008. Lying sometimes can get you a few dates and an awesome band :D

"It was a darkness all my own / A song played on the radio / It went straight to my heart / I carried it with me until the darkness was gone."

3. "Not the Same" by Ben Folds

What can I say about Ben? He's an entire package. Lyrics, piano, a rockin' good time, sassiness, satire, and genuine connection. I don't know how I didn't know him before 2008, but I'm addicted now. Nothing beat singing along to this song at his concert in November. Thanks Chel!

"You took a trip and climbed a tree... And you were not the same after that"

2. "Quiet as a Mouse" by Margot & The Nuclear So & So's

This band is my new obsession for the year without a doubt. I listened to this album everyday while in Europe - while flying, almost dying, looking at art, and riding the tube. If there is any band you pick up, please pick up this one. They make me feel like I'm going home.

"When I woke I was alive in somebody's room / I felt life and love and hope infested my bones / Wake up you've got a lot of things to do / Wake up the sun is rising without you."

1. "Your Hand in Mine" by Explosions in the Sky

There are no lyrics to share here because this band is purely instrumental. They have been described as using "mini-crescendos" to convey emotion and feeling - every time they do, I get goosebumps. Listening to this song got me through my first semester in Flag. I used it in a movie I made and when falling asleep under the stars next to the Colorado River in the Grand Canyon. Close your eyes and listen. 

Honorable Mentions -

"Let it Rock" by Kevin Rudolf

"Erection" by The Faint

"The Bitch Went Nutz" by Ben Folds

"Do You Still Hate Me?" by Jawbreaker

"Welcome Home" by Radical Face

"Lex" by Ratatat

"Bad Things" by Jace Everett (awesome song for an awesome series about Vampires :D)

"Demons" by Guster

"A Cautionary Song" by The Decemberists

"Subject A" by The Killing Moon

Backstage Passes

Tonight I went to my first ska concert. Ever. This is weird because I'm quite the concert goin' fool and I've loved ska since high school. Oh, the days when all the kids would dance to "Dopeman" by Less Than Jake seem so long ago. 

Anyways, that is not the point of this little post. The point is - I got to be backstage and I've never been backstage before either.

I've always envied those backstage people who are coyly hanging out on the wings of the stage waiting for the band to end. I assumed that those lucky people are kickin' it with the band and having far more romantic and adventurous lives than I will ever lead. 

I have to tell you, as I stood on the wings of the stage tonight, half hidden by the lights and and curtains, I felt so freaking cool. That's right. Cool. Perhaps I understand the appeal of being the guard at the panopticon, or perhaps I've just paid my concert dues and made it to where the cool kids hang out, but I'd definitely love to be backstage again... especially at the Bouncing Souls concert I'm going to in a few weeks.

The Mad Caddies surely know how to rock the house and be attractive at the same time. Thanks, Cynthia! for my first ska/backstage experience all in one.

Here's a video from the Mad Caddies if you like ska or just want to know what you've been missing out on; the next video is from my most favorite ska band, The Killing Moon. If you have any suggestions on sweet trumpeting bands I'm missing out on, please let me know!

Vindicated

Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play

You said that you've never been
But all the things that you've seen
They slowly fade away

So I'll start a revolution from my bed
cause you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside, summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a rock and roll band
You'll throw it all away

I'm gonna start a revolution from my bed
cause you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside, cause summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
cause you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

And so, Sally can wait
She knows its too late as she's walking on by
My soul slides away
But don't look back in anger
I heard you say

At least not today.

Thank you - for vindicating me. Or validating me. To myself and to everyone.

For clearing me of guilt and suspect and flaw and responsibility, for letting me be honest. You might think me angry since you rendered me so isolated after I asked you to let me slip away. But, I watch as hope dangles from a string like slow-spinning redemption and I pray for you because you'll never burn my heart out. There is hope and love, even though they are not always visible from the way we choose to see. Step outside, cause summertime's in bloom; stand up beside the fireplace and take that look from off your face. Slight hope may dangle from a string, but hope is there.

I'll love you always, my friend.

Thank you. I now know that I don't have to look back in anger, at least not today.

Top Ten Things to Remember When Attending Punk Concerts in Very Small Venues

So, it's been a while since I've blogged it up. As such, and because I'm sick of writing about my life, I thought I'd provide some more helpful tips and hints for all of you veteran or aspiring concert goers.

Top Ten Things to Remember When Attending Punk Concerts in Very Small Venues

(*this entry does not aspire to be similar to David Letterman; it, in fact, aspires to be an extra helping of High Fidelity listings)

1. Hearing. There is less space for large sound to exist in small venues. Ear plugs - although one may be labeled a pansy before the concert begins and less than "fashion friendly" - are smart as all get out... unless you enjoy excessive ringing in the ear's for more than 24 hours.

2. Being Stoned. If you like to smoke a little reefer, you're an idiot, but don't let that get you down. Smoke it on up. However, getting so tweaked that you wave your hands about your head and repeatedly smack other people in the face because of your utter incoherence is never a good idea because a) people don't care that you're a girl - they'll hit you anyways; b) someone's definitely going to end up taking advantage of you; and c) you might end up like this.

3. Clothing. Being the person to finally construct a shirt out of a chamois is not only a way to stave off embarrassing sweat stains, but also an ingenious way to make some extra money. I'd buy one online. Really. PayPal's awesome.

4. Paying Attention. Not paying attention is a great way to get a hold of some type of band memorabilia. For instance, I was messing around with my camera and got hit in the face with a drumstick. Having catlike reflexes and an iron-clad grip is also helpful for this category.

5. Camera. Readers might remember a previous post where I stated that I liked to keep my camera on my person at all times during some concerts. This is true. The advice I have to give now is that you probably should purchase some sort of camera case if you are not fortunate enough to develop the aforementioned chamois shirt because cameras may experience water damage.... which is actually swoobie damage. What? I'm just saying...

6. Crowd Placement. In a small venue, the crowd can still seem big and therefore surge and crush and pulsate. Perchance, if you find yourself smashed up, bosom, sweaty camera, and all, against a person whom you vaguely know from a class a few semesters ago, but only really through blogger, then just go with it. You are probably very close to the stage. It's all about the closeness at concerts.

7. Other People's Sweat. You'll wear it. Deal with it.

8. Invitees. If you happen to ask someone to go to a moshy-type concert with you last minute, and they've never actually heard of the band or been to a moshy-type concert, for the love of God, warn them about what will happen, what to wear, etc., especially if this person is homosexual because they might end up being the only gay man in a crowd of 400. (Thanks for being a good sport buddy!)

9. Questions. Questioning is always good. Questions in concert settings like, "When the hell are the Bouncing Souls coming on?!" or "Hey. Can you not put your hand there?" are great. Some questions are not good to ask in certain settings when you're surrounded by die hard fans of a 20 year old band, i.e., "Wait. Is it Bouncing Soul or Soulzzzz?" are just not smart things to say. Be a good little patron and hold your questions 'til the end.

10. Hair. If you're a girl with hair past mid-neck and fitting said hair into one, two, or three pony-tail holders is at all is possible, the pull your f***ing hair up. You make me want to rip it out. No one likes sweaty, stringy hair stuck to them in the pit.

Now, go out and enjoy some concerts.

Also, sorry about all of the hyperlinks. I just learned how to do it today. It's amazing!

Here's a link to a neat new artist. I've heard his name dropped twice in the past week.

I like this too.

And this.

Hoookay. Bye!

Free Advice*

I've always found choosing concert-going items a tricky business. Should I take my purse? No. I don't want to hold it whilst jostling about in the pit. Perhaps I should cart along some chapstick? Yes, yes. I must. Don't want to get chappy, unkissable, dry lips. Should I take my camera? Maybe. But, only if the shirt I'm wearing can support and conceal that much extra weight in my bra.

I usually settle on the bare minimum when going to a concert. In my pocket, I've generally got a chapstick, anywhere from 20 to 60 bucks (depending I how many t-shirts or waters I will purchase), and a single key for my car in case I lose my entire ring of keys. I don't even take a cell phone for fear of losing it or having it crushed by the mass amounts of bodies in the pit.

When I ventured out in 20 degree weather without a jacket on Saturday night to see Anberlin, Mae, and Motion City Soundtrack, I had four items in my right-cheek pocket: one tube of chapstick, three 20 dollar bills, one car key, and one ticket. When my brother (we were there because I was taking him to his first moshing type concert for his birthday), his friend, and I arrived winded and freezing after three and a half blocks of brisk walking at In the Venue, the only items I had in my right-cheek pocket were as follows: one tube of chapstick, three 20 dollar bills, one car key, and pocket lint. There was no concert ticket to be found - anywhere.

Somewhere in the three and a half blocks to the venue, either I'd lost the ticket or it had been stolen from me. We basically ran back to the car, but found no ticket. All my fastidious planning was for naught because I wasn't able to see one of my top three favorite bands.

Although I had money, the concert was sold out. I dropped my brother and his friend off, gave Jimmy the money I hadn't lost, and told them to call me when the concert was over so that I could come get them.

*This is where the free advice comes in. Will Call. Always Will Call your tickets people - ALWAYS! Your tickets will be waiting for you when you get there. Then you won't have to spend two and a half hours at the stupid Gateway mall (okay, it's not that stupid, I'm just real bitter) walking in (or out really) an outdoor mall, freezing. You won't be by yourself not looking cute because you got ready to go to a concert, not to go to the mall, and you won't get sneered at by high and mighty Forever 21 employees because, let's face it, you look like crap. You won't spend time by yourself cursing the Gods that you've become the type of person that buys a book in Barnes & Noble and then immediately reads it while still in Barnes & Noble. You won't be by yourself because your friends that live in Salt Lake would probably be home and would be able to entertain, console, and/or feed you. You won't be stuck not going to a movie because they all started at the wrong times or because you don't want to see another holiday family film, like The Santa Clause 37: Rudolph's Bastard Brother, Gary the Green Nosed Reindeer.

You also won't have to hear about how your litte brother went crowd surfing for the first time or about how you weren't there to see it, or how you didn't even get to boost him up.

You also won't have a sweatshirt from a concert that you didn't actually go to.

Will Call people. It's the only way to go. Take this advice. Love it. Cherish it. And for all that is holy in music's sake, don't lose your freaking ticket on the way to the venue.

Hurt

Auden had always considered herself a good friend, the kind of friend that could listen and process, and be trusted. That’s why she sat and looked at him patiently, waiting while he searched for words.

Darnell’s picture of himself resembled a puzzle, the kind of puzzle that had fall colored trees and endless blue sky. Putting together that kind of puzzle takes patience and a keen eye. People don’t generally have time to put Darnell together. That’s why he fidgeted and looked away as her green eyes patiently waited.

“Everyone I know goes away in the end.”

The chair he was sitting on made him look like a child. The arms came up past his chest and the head of the chair was at least two inches above Darnell’s head.

As he began, his eyes were locked onto the stain on the edge of the arm of the chair. “My dad left me a letter before he left for good. I found it before my mom did, that’s probably why I still have it. I keep it in a box with dirt samples. I thought it would be one of the last places my mom would ever find it. I don’t really remember him. I don’t have any pictures. It’s like he’s dead, like she killed him when she burned the pictures. I only have the letter. ”

The couch creaked as Auden adjusted. She had the distinct feeling that he was telling her something he had never told anyone. She had thought it was strange that he began referring to her as his best friend shortly after they met, but now it occurred to her that no one had ever listened to him before.

“I’ve read that letter down almost past repair – the ink is so faded. I know what it says though. It says I should find someone I can call my sweetheart. It’s funny he’d say that. I think he hated my mom.” He looked up suddenly and met her gaze for the first time that night. “I’ve never told anyone about that letter before.”

***

The music was loud - the kind of loud that went into Auden’s head and pushed out any other thought so that the music became the only thing that was real. Her keen eyes kept jerking back to the entrance of the bar, searching for Darnell. He’d been gone for a week. She hadn’t gone that long without seeing him since they met. She liked knowing that she had a best friend that cared about her they way Darnell did.

She didn’t know if he’d find her in the crowd; she didn't feel safe standing there without him. Ten minutes after the set started, she felt a familiar hand on her back. Darnell was the only one she let touch her back that way. She turned and saw his beaming face. She made the mistake of believing his smile was for her, because he'd missed her.

They listened to a few songs. Swaying to and singing the lyrics they barely knew, Auden realized that having Darnell around was like being home. A few beers made Darnell realized that few people saw him like Auden did – maybe no one else could see him like Auden did.

“Auden. Auden!” He was used to stating things matter of factly, but he had to yell to be heard. His face kept bashing into the braid running around her head as he shouted into her ear.
She looked away from the band and smiled at his face.

“I’m gonna marry her!” His smile grew. Auden’s grin didn’t disappear right away, but as her eyes swelled wider, there was less room on her face for a smile.

“Bella! I’m going to marry Bella!”

“I know who you’re talking about!” Her voice was rarely so flat. Darnell forgot that Auden’s flat voice meant she was trying not to cry, that a flat voice meant her heart was falling down.

“I decided while we were gone to her family’s house!” Darnell saw her face flash in the lights from stage. “Wait! You like her, right?!”

“Yes! I do!”

“You’re my best friend Auden! Will you help me pick out the ring?!” He yelled this in her ear and as he got closer to her head, a bobby-pin stuck out from her head and scratched his face. Darnell barely noticed.

She pulled back from him and paused. She knew she had already lost her most trusted friend.

Her voice remained flat and she pushed his hand away from her arm. “If that’s want you want I’ll go! But you should know, you can have it all! Is she the one that’s going to help you do that?! You’re my sweetest friend….just….” Her voice faltered as the music grew louder. It was probably better that way

“God, why did you have to tell me here?! My thoughts are too broken here!” Auden had been looking elsewhere for help, the crowd, the walls, the bottle of beer in her hand. She hadn’t seen his face lose all expression. She hadn’t seen him put down a five and pick up his coat. Darnell had made the mistake of thinking she would tell him what he wanted to hear.

She grabbed his arm and the words came out before she could stop them. “Is she your sweetheart?! Can you call her that?!”

Her voice regained emotion as she yelled after him. “Wait! Wait! Let me start again!”

***

Bella sat on the tie-rug on the hardwood floor in the living room. She pulled documents out of a box. She rearranged things and filed them in a large cabinet they kept in the corner of the room. Sometimes she filed things by dates, then she’d take everything out when she found a new box and file them using another system. She liked to start again. The process gave her purpose, so boxes were piled around her and cabinet drawers were flung open.

Darnell walked in the front door. He wasn’t surprised to see the state of the living room. As he pulled off his boots, he said “I hurt myself today.”

She looked up in alarm. “Why would you do something like that?!” She tended to end questions with too much emphasis. Darnell felt intruded upon and guilty when she asked questions, even when she was only asking him to pass the salt.

“God. No. I didn’t do it on purpose, Bella. I was giving a shot to a cow and the needle got away from me. It tore a hole through my jeans and went into my leg.”

“Did it hurt?”

“Yeah. I guess it mostly stung. I usually pay more attention than that.”

Darnell sat down in the only chair that was available. “We should get rid of this thing. It’s got stains and no one fits in it right.” He spoke absentmindedly and fingered the ring on his left hand. His eyes perused the boxes on the ground.

“Where the hell did you find that box?!” By the time Bella looked up, Darnell was already moving to a box labeled “Private: Dirt Samples.”

“I guess you couldn’t read the part that said ‘Private!’” Darnell picked up the box as he spoke and treated it gently, as though the box contained sacred artifacts.

The whole episode looked odd to Bella. At first, she didn’t say anything as she continued to sit on the floor. While Darnell walked back to the chair with the box, she said, “I found a note in there. It looks like time has made the words disappear.”

A flash of anger began to race through Darnell, but he decided to calm himself instead of rage at her. It wasn’t her fault he’d chosen the ground beneath their bed for a hiding nook.

“Who wrote that note? It looks well read.”

“My dad.”

“What does it say? I couldn’t make out some of the words.”

“He gave me advice on life. Mostly about the woman I’d marry. He wanted me to find my sweetheart. I found it right after he left”

She had this way of looking at him that made him feel like he was looking at a puppy that was waiting for praise from it’s master. “Oh,” she said dreamily, “Oh. I see.”

“Yeah. My mom didn’t even know about it.”

She looked up again, intrigued by the revelation. “You mean, I’m the first person you’ve told about it?”

The Top 5 of Why I Now Love "High Fidelity"

1. Jack Black sings "Let's Get It On."
2. The entire film is about music.
3. The phrase "ass-muncher" is used.
4. Joan Cusack.
5. A person struggling in a relationship decides to make it work and give up the never-to-be-fulfilled-in-a-million-years-unrealistic-fantasy - and it's still a happy ending!

Somewhere Inbetween, Everything is A-OK

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.

-Aldous Huxley

Good music feels like home to me.

I've been thinking lately how attached I am to music. Even when I'm the most lonely, I can put on familiar songs and be taken to a different place. Music is often my solace, my place to vent rage, a familiar face instead of a bleak and colorless expanse.

I find it interesting how I attribute songs to people and times in my life. I can be miles away from those people and times in my mind, but as soon as "Smile" comes on random play, I think of R, and how she anchored me, showed me how to hope again, and how she taught me to say "Fuck it" to all the rest. "The Future Freaks Me Out" reminds me of Pittsburgh and how I miss that city and how I regret not spending more time with the people I should have been spending it with. Yo Yo Ma reminds me of bathtime. Songs that I refuse to listen to anymore because my heart can't even take listening to the introductory notes take me to places that need to stay in the past.

I feel like songs become mine and they take on meaning for my life. I've decided not to do my Student Teaching or get my Level II License next semester, which is a big step for me as I rarely diverge from the "responsible/laid out" path. It's not that I'm giving up, it's that I've decided that not every inch of my life has to have a plan and that I'm not bound to decisions I made five years ago. I'm instead going to apply to grad school because more education is what I want more than anything. I want the experience of being out of my element and being challenged more than I have ever been. I'm ready to go someplace where religion doesn't matter as much as it does here - where faith is a choice instead of a social pressure. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but it somehow makes sense in my head as I listen to Buster.

The following lyrics reflect not what I feel to be love, but to be life. The words don't make me sad; maybe the combination of the music changes how the words sound, but this song makes me feel more at home than few other places lately.


Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance?
Or only one way that it was always meant to be
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can't help it baby, this is who I am
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

A Bi-Polar Day

Today has been a weird day. A bi-polar day if you will.

And to start off today, I must start off with last night. A good friend delievered a healthy baby last night and I was able to meet this incredible person. She's exquisite, tiny, and beautiful and as I held her, a magnificent peace came to me. I watched her with her mother and father and sister and the quite in the room made a surreal memory that is imprinted forever. I want my own little people someday - not today - but someday. Seeing a brand new person and smelling that baby smell made me appreciate life much deeper than I have recently as I soaked in the bath last night - reading, reflecting, and listening to Buster (the Prodigal iPod returned last night!).

This bliss was ephemeral, as bliss often, not always, but often is. As I'm embarking into the wonderful world of student teaching next semester, I was hoping, and let's be honest, praying, that I would be assigned to a teacher that would be a catalyst for the proverbial spark. Today I learned that next semester will be a rigorous course in what not to do - I was disappointed by this knowledge and after I vented my frustrations in present and participle tenses of a certain four letter word, I felt mildly better.

Then I watched "Motherboy XXX." This episode of Arrested Development can be found in Season 2, on Disk 3. A highly recommended activity - after all, medical research supports laughing.

Then I got a retainer to complete my braces. And no, I don't like it when people call me "Brace Face," "Metal Mouth," or "Train Tracks." It wasn't funny in middle school when I had braces and just because I'm older doesn't make it funny now.

Then I went to Advanced Theory where we talked about feminism and Beloved - and yes, I am geeky enought to consider this an upswing in my day.

Then I went to work, where life wasn't so bad, but it is my nightly custom to expect that no one will drop by or disturb me after I return home from said employment. Not the case tonight. There were no less than three sets of visitors this evening - a statistical anamoly to be sure. One of the visits promted me to write the poem below.

Then I decided I knew what would utilmately make me feel better. But alas, there is no money for a coke slurpee right now, the usual kick to my endorphins. I located the following on youtube.com. I hope that it makes you feel better if you're having a bad day. And if you're having a good day, enjoy the bliss, for sometimes it truly is ephemeral.

A Death in the Family

"Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness." - Maya Angelou

Buster died this morning.

Buster is my iPod. My 80 Gig iPod that only had 4 Gigs left.

Perhaps it is because I anthropomorphize so many things in my life, but I feel like I've lost a friend. No, I don't have strange and salacious feelings for inanimate objects; I just think I'm lonely in general and not having Buster to keep me company on my walks to class or to listen to in the car reminds me that I am, in fact, lonely and alone.

This semester hasn't been anti-climactic or anything. There was nothing climactic about about returning to Cedar, about taking more undergraduate classes, about feeling like I'm stuck. People that I love have moved away and are doing different things - and I'm here. "X" moved. "Y" left. Our Dear Girl is off having adventures. My family isn't here. The few that are left I rarely get to see, or we go through the motions of a facade, for the sake of a pretense of a relationship.

I'm disappointed about so many things too. I had a crappy weekend preceded by a frustrating and sleepless week. I'm disappointed that I haven't connected with another person, or even God, in a long time. I'm disappointed in myself that I can't find balance and that for all my ranting about not needing a man that I still very much want one - and I'm disappointed that opportunity let me down too. I feel like I'm drowning in my classes. Every time I walk into the English building, no less than two people immediately ask me for something or where something is.

If I said that I was mourning for Buster, I'd be lying - Buster is the simulacrum of my loneliness and at the same time, a shield from it.

I'm tired. I want a good cry, but I'm blogging at work and they already think I'm weird. I want someone to crawl in bed with me and hug me til I fall asleep, because sometimes waking up by one's self is a lonely feeling, but I'll go home and sleep by myself tonight - Buster-less.

Today, perhaps, is just a bad day spawned by a bad week.

This weekend will be better. I'll turn 22. And even though I don't like even numbers, I know that it'll still be a good day. I know that I'll keep on until I too can cast off the chains I feel by being here, but still, today is a bad day.

Clean

*These lyrics belong to Incubus and Incubus will forever be a part of this experience.

To whom it may concern:

You know this concerns you. Today, everything was fine / Until roundabout, quarter to nine / I suddenly found myself in a bind / Was it something I said? / Something I read and manifested that's getting you down? I'd been thinking all day; thinking of how to let you know that I love you, but that I'm concerned about your life. That's the position of a best friend, right? To not always agree, to sometimes challenge, but always to love and never to judge, right? I thought that's what I did. I know that's what I did.

I watched your face watching mine. You told me the news. You'd thought I'd be happy; you should have known that I would have been logical. I tried to lessen the blunt of my concerns. I thought that I had. Your eyes never faltered and never became angry as I spoke. I thought you understood that all I wanted to do was show you love my friend. Don't you dare come to bed with that ambiguous look in your eye / I'd sooner sleep by an open fire and wake up fried.

Say what you will, say what you mean / You could never offend, your dirty words come out clean. I know that you don't agree with my spirituality. I knew that was a fact when you said that'd I stop at nothing to get what I wanted, which is a Ph.D., even if not stopping meant ignoring Heavenly Father's Plan for me. Instead of telling me you were worried about the choices I was making, you made me feel guilty as you snapped your quick retort down like a clamp on my dreams. I shouldn't have let you do that. I should have communicated with you, but I was hurt - hurt because you don't really know me at all if you would say that.

After I spoke to you, for what looks like, ultimately, the last time, you said you'd call tomorrow so we could watch a flick. Little did I know that you wouldn't call. Tomorrow, what price will I pay?/ Could I make it all up to you by serving coffee for two in bed?/ Would you then give me the time of day? No, I could never make you coffee to be in your good graces. You hate the fact that I work at Starbucks. Starbucks isn't for Mormons, but I work there anyway on Sunday mornings and race home to teach Sunday School anyway.

I need a map of your head
Translated into English so I can learn to not make you frown
You'd feel better if you'd vent
Put your frustrations into four letter words and let them out on mine
The most weathered ears in town

If this is it, if this has to be goodbye, then know that I wish you well. I want so much happiness for you, and that, in truth, is why I voiced my concerns. I never wanted you as anything more than a friend. I did want you to stay longer than you have though. All I ask is that you Say what you will, say what you mean / No, You could never offend, your dirty words come out clean.