My Family Wins

No. Really. They do.

Let me explain why they win. I've been applying to jobs all over the country and my back-up plan has been returning to where I grew up in Southern California before we moved to Utah. My grandparents, some aunts and uncles and cousins, and very good friends still live in the same vicinity. While I've been hoping to get a good paying job and decided that I would move where I needed to move, I wasn't exactly excited about the prospect of having to start all over again - new friends, new church, new stores (it's so effing difficult to find items in new stores), new roads, etc., but no family. All the places I've been applying to will be far away and I'd most likely only get to see my family members once or twice a year. For some families, that's totally fine and perhaps even the preferred/necessary M.O. But, that's not my family: that's not me.

The more I thought about my back-up plan, the more I wanted it to be my real plan, even though there are very few positions open for faculty in SoCal right now. For my academically minded head, choosing to go there is irresponsible. What a waste, right? I've spent two years, thousands of dollars, and countless tears to put myself in the position to be a faculty member, not adjunct, not part-time, but full-time. This is what academia expects of me and this, without my realizing it, is the philosophy I've adopted for myself.

After two big conversations, Rae and Cynthia - thank you, I realized I needed to prioritize MY needs and after figuring them out, no one is going to convince me differently... except for that day I know will come in the future when my needs will actually change.

Many people will say I should use this time to pay off my student loans and get myself into a good school so I can get into a good Ph.D. program so I can be a good professor one day. Others will say I should be more independent or adventurous or less scared. And that's okay. They can say those things.

But I'll say, "This is what I'm choosing and it's making me happy." One day I will get into a good Ph.D. program and become a kick-ass professor. One day, my student loans will be paid off. Right now, my adventure is for once, listening to my heart and not my head. My adventure is returning to a place I said I'd never live again and finding peace in that decision. My adventure is trading probably monetary security for the likelihood of less money and being okay with that decision.

And this is why my family is awesome:

I called my mom last night and instead of talking me out of it, because she's one of the very rational voices in my head when I'm emotional, she said she knew I was making the right decision for myself.

I called my dad this morning. He said, "Follow your heart. You'll be successful wherever you go. If this is what your heart is telling you, it's right."

I told a couple of my cousins my plan and I immediately had two offerings for housing and genuine excitement at my return. They said they'd look for jobs and pray for me.

And this is why my family wins. We're a family that no matter what the circumstances are always there for each other. A laugh, some food, a good cry, or emotional support in the face of a life changing decision. I know not everyone is as lucky as me.

My decision to go to SoCal didn't even take 24 hours to be affirmed as a right decision because my family is kick-ass. I'm so thankful that my heart told me quality of life.

Graphic Novel Euphoria

I shall blog more about this when I am less tired and not recovering from the flu, but I had lunch with Art Spiegelman today. Tonight, I listened to him speak for nearly two hours. Although I've know for a while that I want to get a Ph.D. that will allow me to teach comic books, tonight solidified what I want and need to be doing with my life. And though things change, it looks as though I will be applying for a Ph.D. program directly out of Master's. Woot!

Count Your Many Blessings

Proceed with caution. Super Mormony post ahead :D

Many of you are familiar with Mormon culture, and if you are not, well, most Mormons try really hard to be happy. We have this little hymn that goes, "When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed / and you are discouraged thinking all is lost... Count your many blessings / name them one by one / and it will surprise you what the Lord hath done."

Normally, I'd take issue with antiquated advice given 150 years ago in the form of a happy go lucky song, but I really enjoy this hymn... mostly because it reminds me that I'm a complainer who should stop complaining and that, in fact, I am very, very blessed. 

While there are many blessings I can count, there are four I'd like to concentrate on right now. One. Amazingly supportive family and friends. This past week has - make yourself ready for an antiquated Mormon phrase - made manifest to me that I am loved and worthy of being so. Sometimes I lose sight of that and become very hard on myself. My parents and brother made being at home wonderful and splendid over Christmas. Joe reminds me that I'm neat and belong in grad school. Chel reminds me that being a friend and having a friend is awesome. Rae helps me reevaluate myself and understand beautiful concepts. And these things are the very few qualities I can share that begin to show their depth. 

This past week, I had a conversation with an old/new friend, Deb. After a while of talking, she told me that she had put my name on the temple prayer roll, simply because she felt impressed to do so. (The prayer roll is specific to temples because it means that a name is written on a piece of paper and every hour for one week, those names are prayed for.) I can't remember the last time I was so aware of a friend in need when that friend didn't know he or she needed said help in the first place.

Coming back to Flag was super hard for me because my old friend depression started making rounds. Nothing to be concerned about as it has only been slight insomnia and a general laziness - I am now aware and fixing the problem. Woot. Anyways. Since my name has been on the prayer roll, I have not been thinking about it at all actually.... until tonight when I realized that being here has been an incredibly easy transition, my classes are going well, the class that I teach has been going amazingly well, and I've been really happy and active. Friends here have supported me and been extra wonderful this week and I know this is not a coincidence. I have had heavenly help and that is exactly what I need in order to be here and be emotionally and mentally healthy.

This brings me to my second point. I am thankful for temples and the power they bring to this Earth. I'm receiving my endowment in March and I cannot wait to be challenged on a new spiritual level.

Third. I am thankful for the blessings of knowledge, education, and the blessings of being exactly where I need to be.

Lastly. Tonight, I'm really thankful for movies. Yes. Films. My weekend starts tomorrow, Thursday, at 11:30 and I'm cuddling up in my awesome bed and watching some flicks.

Mormony post out!

Musical Countdown 2008

A friend on Facebook recently gave me this idea. So, in no way am I being original here, but I think it'll be fun for me anyways.

Many of you know I have a mild obsession with music, so I thought it would be fun to share my Top 10 new songs of 2008. These songs, sometimes of singular enjoyment, for the most part started some kind of love affair, so if any strikes your fancy, I will love having been able to share with you :D (Note - these songs can now be listened to in my handy-dandy music playlist located on the right.)

10. "December is for Cynics" by The Matches

Oh, The Matches. They are kooky and crazy and weird and I totally love them. It took me a few listens to catch onto their style and actually appreciate it, but I am oh-so glad that I did.

"Used is the new black / Downloads are the new crack / Mocking carols that we hate / Damn, it's easy being great"

9. "My Same" by Adele

Many people have heard the amazing single "Hometown Glory" by Adele, but I think I like this song more. Her voice is so deep and rich - I could listen everyday. Maybe it's the sass in her voice or it could be that she's an amazing beautiful woman who just happens to be fluffy, but I love this song!

"You're so provocative, I'm so conservative / You're so adventurous, I'm so very cautious, combining / You'd think we would and we do"

8. "So Contagious" by Acceptance

It's the type of magically wonderfully romantic sentimental love song that only works it's way into my system once every few years.

"Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected... You're the only one I want to take a shot on / Keep me hanging on, so contagiously"

7. "Jesus Christ" by Brand New

Now, on paper, Brand New should be everything I love in a band, but alas, I do not love them - at all. I have been harsh on their sound and what I felt to be empty lyrics until this song. As such, I make one exception for Brand New and this song is it.

"Jesus Christ has a pretty face / The kind you could find on someone that could save... Well, Jesus Christ I'm alone again / So what did you do those three days you were dead? / Because this problem's gonna last / More than the weekend"

6. "The Dress Looks Nice on You" by Sufjan Stevens

I will dance to this song at my wedding and then make love to it afterwards.

"I can see a lot of life in you / I can see a lot of bright in you / And I think the dress looks nice on you"

5. "Carry Me Home Ohio" by Sun Kil Moon

This song definitely started my love affair with the band. They are a part of my expanding affinity for hippie music. (Also see The RedHouse Painters if you are down with these lyrics/sounds.)

"Green green youth / what about the sweetness we knew / what about what's good and what's true / from those days / can't count to / all the lovers I've burned through / so why do I still burn for you / I can't say." 

4. "Gone" by the Bouncing Souls

Funny story about this band. Sometimes, to get the attention of boys, I will lie about music... in that I will tell them I know about a band and like the band. Now, although I might lie, I definitely try to get a sense of the genre of the band on the off chance I have never heard of them so that I don't sound like an idiot/poser. A very cute boy I used to work with always a shirt with a pirate and a Bouncing Souls logo. I thought to myself, "This has to be a band." And, judging by his personality, I was guessing some kind of old school punk. After initiating a conversation and wowing his socks, I had to look them up when I got home. Although I found this band in 2007 and they are currently in my Top 3 favorites, I did not find this song until 2008. Lying sometimes can get you a few dates and an awesome band :D

"It was a darkness all my own / A song played on the radio / It went straight to my heart / I carried it with me until the darkness was gone."

3. "Not the Same" by Ben Folds

What can I say about Ben? He's an entire package. Lyrics, piano, a rockin' good time, sassiness, satire, and genuine connection. I don't know how I didn't know him before 2008, but I'm addicted now. Nothing beat singing along to this song at his concert in November. Thanks Chel!

"You took a trip and climbed a tree... And you were not the same after that"

2. "Quiet as a Mouse" by Margot & The Nuclear So & So's

This band is my new obsession for the year without a doubt. I listened to this album everyday while in Europe - while flying, almost dying, looking at art, and riding the tube. If there is any band you pick up, please pick up this one. They make me feel like I'm going home.

"When I woke I was alive in somebody's room / I felt life and love and hope infested my bones / Wake up you've got a lot of things to do / Wake up the sun is rising without you."

1. "Your Hand in Mine" by Explosions in the Sky

There are no lyrics to share here because this band is purely instrumental. They have been described as using "mini-crescendos" to convey emotion and feeling - every time they do, I get goosebumps. Listening to this song got me through my first semester in Flag. I used it in a movie I made and when falling asleep under the stars next to the Colorado River in the Grand Canyon. Close your eyes and listen. 

Honorable Mentions -

"Let it Rock" by Kevin Rudolf

"Erection" by The Faint

"The Bitch Went Nutz" by Ben Folds

"Do You Still Hate Me?" by Jawbreaker

"Welcome Home" by Radical Face

"Lex" by Ratatat

"Bad Things" by Jace Everett (awesome song for an awesome series about Vampires :D)

"Demons" by Guster

"A Cautionary Song" by The Decemberists

"Subject A" by The Killing Moon

Backstage Passes

Tonight I went to my first ska concert. Ever. This is weird because I'm quite the concert goin' fool and I've loved ska since high school. Oh, the days when all the kids would dance to "Dopeman" by Less Than Jake seem so long ago. 

Anyways, that is not the point of this little post. The point is - I got to be backstage and I've never been backstage before either.

I've always envied those backstage people who are coyly hanging out on the wings of the stage waiting for the band to end. I assumed that those lucky people are kickin' it with the band and having far more romantic and adventurous lives than I will ever lead. 

I have to tell you, as I stood on the wings of the stage tonight, half hidden by the lights and and curtains, I felt so freaking cool. That's right. Cool. Perhaps I understand the appeal of being the guard at the panopticon, or perhaps I've just paid my concert dues and made it to where the cool kids hang out, but I'd definitely love to be backstage again... especially at the Bouncing Souls concert I'm going to in a few weeks.

The Mad Caddies surely know how to rock the house and be attractive at the same time. Thanks, Cynthia! for my first ska/backstage experience all in one.

Here's a video from the Mad Caddies if you like ska or just want to know what you've been missing out on; the next video is from my most favorite ska band, The Killing Moon. If you have any suggestions on sweet trumpeting bands I'm missing out on, please let me know!

No Longer on the Cusp of an Anxiety Attack

I know. Yay me!!! Right? Life is beginning to even out and I know longer have t

he feeling that suddenly life will implode.

Okay. Long time since my last post. But now I know why C.

 Joe was flustered for much of the past two years. Grad school is tough. I want to cry a lot. I want my mommy and a blankie and the amount of coke slurpees I ingest on a weekly basis has increased since that fateful day I found the Maverick in West Flag.

Here's a quick update on life, as I'm sure in future posts I'll return to those rants you all know and love so well.

Since being in Flagstaff, I've turned into quite the party trick. And no, not that way. I'm quite the Mormon enigma in the English department. Here's a list of things that have been said to me:

"You're Mormon?! But... you seem so sane."

"You're Mormon?! But you dress normal... and you're cute."

"I knew this Mormon once. Yeah... he/she was awful/terrible/judgmental." (To which I responded, "Yeah. Me too.")

"Are you Irish? Oh no. You can't be Irish. You're Mormon."

"Yeah. One time, on Wikipedia, my brother changed all the L.D.S. entries to read L.S.D." (Admittedly, I chuckled at this one, and then used it to show that Wikipedia is NOT a credible source.)

"So how many sister wives do you have?"

"All Mormons do is spawn, Spawn, SPAWN!" (This last one being said in front of my entire Sex, Politics, and Reproduction class. Everyone, including my professor, started laughing. Then it was pointed out that I was Mormon. It was worse than the time I was asked if Mormons have horns.)

Besides all of these comments, and the others like it, stem from ignorance, they have been opportunities for me to stand up for myself and reaffirm my faith. I've been struggling with my membership in the church for about the past year, and it's nice to finally know that I do believe, otherwise, I wouldn't say anything at all. 

I would also like to point out that these thoughtless, unlearned comments are of the minority. Most of my friends, which is why they are labeled thus, are curious and supportive and wonderful. I go out to the bars to socialize and dance, and they buy me drinks in the form of cranberry juice. They understand my informed decisions just like I understand theirs. 

So, here's the part where I break the flow and do a quick rapid fire. 

I haven't liked living in Flag. I have not liked going to school. I miss home and my family. 

I went home this past weekend for the first time in two months. I almost cried when I got to Cedar. Through conversations with wonderful people, I realized that I could either wallow in my pity, or I could do something about it. 

I got back to Flag on Monday, which was my 23rd birthday. I felt refreshed and recharged and ready to apply myself with a new fervor. I only have three semesters left after this one, so I might as well make them worth it. 

When I went out with some friends Monday night to celebrate my exit from my mother's womb, for the first real time since moving here, I felt loved. There's a lovely group of ladies in my program and we lunch every Friday after class. A few of them came out to dinner and it was great. Since I returned, I realized I have not made a wrong decision. I made a decision that put me in a challenging, new position and I must act and adapt instead of react and whine.

The point is this: we may not be in the best of circumstances, but this is it, so why not smile and decide to be happy?

Anyways. Parting shots:

Listen to Explosions in the Sky. The song "Your Hand in Mine" might just change your life.

Spending a birthday at the Dinosaur Museum in Lehi is a fantastic way to celebrate life.

Being a teacher is the best job EVER! Especially when a student tells you you're kick-ass.

I think I like being Mormon.

Kissing is awesome!

Frisco Street Grill is my new, favorite restaurant. Come visit! I'll take you there.

Raft down the Grand Canyon. It's phenomenal. 

Who's Long Tim?

Well, I've been gone for a while; it's true, check the dates. The past month or so, I haven't been able to articulate my thoughts on my experiences well enough to merit a post, but I'm feelin' some clarity tonight. First, the Top Ten Things I Did Whilst in Europe:

10. Met Alan Moore

9. Rode the Tube around London

8. Saw Avenue Q - quite literally the funniest musical EVER!

7. Stumbled upon my first Da Vinci painting

6. Got my very own hotel room in Paris three blocks from Notre Dame

5. Tried every new food I possibly could

4. Found out about standardized health care

3. Learned that taking days for myself and sightseeing without anyone else is a great thing to do

2. Went to Evensong at Westminster Abbey

1. I freaking went to Europe, and that is awesome!

Second. I live in Flagstaff now. Crazy, right? Oh, nay nay. Crazy, my friend, is having keys to my office and having a weekly schedule that includes teaching English 1050 Monday through Thursday at 10:20 in Room 216. Crazy is paying $600 dollars a semester for my Master's degree.

The point is, I love being here. I'm totally out of my comfort zone, but I have found my people who do not take the place of my other people, but help me to deal with living in a new state. I'm in the right spot in my life - geographically, chronologically, emotionally, intellectually, and academically - but that's not saying I won't continue to try to improve.

The one thing, dear analytical reader, that is missing from my list is spirituality. This past year has been a difficult for my membership in the church, but I haven't ever doubted that my membership is right and a good thing; I've just had questions, and frankly, I've gotten lazy.

I've come to the realization, once again, that life is totally about balance and I've let certain aspects of my life get out balance, most of which has been my connection with God and spirituality. I was trying to distance myself from the things I don't like about going to church or interacting with members of the church, and I began to turn my back on God.

But, my relationship with God, Jesus Christ, and the Spirit, and my membership in the church has nothing to do with nuisances of church culture or other members. I've learned, through many sources, that I must be Sarah La Rue and that my religious affiliations are through The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, that my intellectual pursuits help me understand the world and humanity better and more compassionately, that I am an English teacher who loves comic books, Batman, and graphic novels, that I am, always have been, and always been an intellectual and a feminist, and that how I must live is through a balanced existence of all that I am.

2 Days of Update

These are the e-mails to my parents from the last few days - sorry, I'm just so flippin' worn out!

July 14 -15

Yesterday - I went on walking tour of Shakespeare's London - amazing! We took a boat ride, saw the Globe, saw the place of the original Globe and other neat theatres, learned amazing facts - about roles, box offices, and the word "addiction" - strolled about a quaint street in London, and ate at the oldest pub in London - fish and chips, woot woo! - with some ginger ale. Note: do not go into a bar in London and ask for something non-alcoholic - the people will shame you. We also ate gelatto along the river Thames. Next we toured Westminister Abbey - PHENOMINAL!!!!!!! The energy was so strong from the hundreds of years of people and events. The paintings and architecture were fabulous. I teared up a time or two. Then, we went to a swanky little place and had tea, and I tried duck rolls, yum!, and then went back to the abbey to attend an evening service. It was, again, phenominal. They read from St. James and a choir sang. They sounded like angels and their voices filled the entire abbey. It was so moving. The last bit of the day was spent at the Globe - we saw "A Mid-Summer Night's Dream." We were "groundlings" which consisted of standing and watching the play. The play was the best production of that particular play I've ever seen, hiliarious! and dirty, but I was nearly in tears by the end because my feet hurt soooooooo badly. Yesterday was a really big day.


Today, I slept in because my knee hurt so bad, but I left about noon and walked around. I went down past this church and found a neat little street. We found a market and it's so much better than Wal-Mart. The food is soooo much better here! I can't get over it. It's healthy and filling and full of life and flavors - I will miss it. Plan on getting some chocolate as a souvenir - it's also much better here. Then we went to the National Gallery. I could have spent all day there. It's a free museum and they have hundreds of paintings. Picasso, Renoir, Cezanne, Rembrant, and Da Vinci! I saw my first Da Vinci today and then stayed and just looked for 20 minutes. It was brilliant. I don't think I've ever seen something that I connected with so quickly. This evening, we had tea and treats in a quaint garden cafe before watching "Twelfth Night" in a garden theatre - also great, although I liked last night's production more.

There's so much more, but I have to be up in a few hours. Tomorrow, we're going to the Tower of London, and we're hosting a fancy tea and crumpets party in our bedroom :D

Also, good thing I saved. Everything is freaking expensive here!

July 16

Well, I'm pretty much spent today. We do at least two things everyday, but it's starting to wear on me. I love being out in the city, and I don't want to waste any minute of being here, but it's hard to go go go all the time.
Today we woke up early and went to the Tower of London. It was so neat! There are so many figures in history that have been in that place that I'm really interested in. Sir Walter Raleigh was there for 13 years - I think that may have been the cruelest punishment; the man helped establish the new world for god's sakes - "hey! let's lock him up!" RUDE/very ironic. The towers were amazing and there were so many neat artifacts - carvings on walls from prisoners, an armory, suits of armor, chapels, and one very roomy/generous medieval jock strap that I got a close up picture of :D What was really interesting were the tiny suits of armor made for children - it's sad to think a six year old would have had to don those suits for any reason at all. (Oh, I got you a spoon from the Tower mom :D and, Dad, what the crap do you want? you're a difficult person to shop for - I was thinking a stein from Dublin???)

Anyways, after that we went to another art museum called the Tate Britain. They had a lot of modern art, and it wasn't that exciting - there were a few pieces like Lady Macbeth and Flaming June that were interesting, but I was kind of pooped on art museums. Later, we ate lunch at a nice little Italian restaurant run by actual Italians - one of whom was liking the tall American with pink hair :D - we also had this amazing chocolate cake! I can't get over the food here, and somehow, I'm losing weight - woot!

The last place we went today was the Tate Modern. We weren't expecting much, but it was great. They had Picasso's from all throughout his life and lots of artists I'd never heard of before. The ones I liked the most were the Lichtenstein's and the Warhol's. They both had a very comic booky feel to them, and it's probably what I liked the most about them. What I think is so neat is that all of the art museums are free.... well, they do ask for a donation though. It's nice to be somewhere where art is so privileged that they feel everyone should have access to great works.

Every time we wander into the heart of London, I'm struck by how romantic the city is. People are very willing to show affection here, and it makes me want to have someone's hand to hold, but, c'est la vie! One day I'll come back - start planning for the honeymoon "gift" now... or should I say "donation"?....

Anyhoo, I think I'm going to go wander off to a rose garden before I head to bed! Love you both lots!

Sars

My First Consumption of Alcohol

I'm too tired to blog a new post, so this is an e-mail I sent to my parents. Don't jugde :D Oh, and I'm not coming home. I like it way too much here!

*****

Today was FANTASTIC! I slept in, went to Oxford street and bought a sweater and Italian ice cream (and I also caved and bought some Tevas because my feet are freaking killing me and we've only been here for three days - hundred dollars well spent). Then we saw the Lion King - phenomenal! I got all vaclemped during the first song - "The Circle of Life" - and the elephant was my favorite animal to appear; it took four people to operate her! After that, my friend Anne and I did a little more shopping and I got a pashmina and am very European now. We then stopped at a delightful little cafe and had dinner al fresco amongst some shubbery (very appealing ;D). Next to us in the window seat was this party of old English people. They were dressed in tweed and ate so properly. It just fit because everything here is just so darn quaint it's adorable! I tried all new things too! First, we started out with a chicken something and foie gras which was surprisingly delectable, then I had lamb! (you were right dad! awesome), and then we shared Tiramisu. Although we had told the waiter we didn't drink, he was a douche let us order the dessert. We ate about half before we realized that European Tiramisu isn't made with espresso, it's made with Mariscapone - hence, my first taste of alcohol. I did NOT like it.

I love it here. I can't believe I'm so lucky to have so much time to spend in such a wonderful city. Everywhere we go is exciting. There are so many different languages being spoken on the same block - it's a wonderful cultural experience. The city is quite clean and there's really no pollution. I love love love riding the tube. I did it all by myself last night, and felt like such a big girl, when I went to see Alan Moore - who is AMAZING! I was really afraid to meet him because he seems very intimidating and, well, crazy psycho-murderer looking, but he was really one of the most genuine and kind authors I've ever met before. Also, last night, my womanly wiles charmed two comic book geeks at the reading and they helped me find the tube (read one was trying to help the other get laid in a geeky, charming, but oh so inept way). OOOOhhh, and I lost my Oyster Card last night at the reading too. I was really upset because they are very expensive, 50 dollars for one week of riding the tube, and I thought it was forever lost after I'd only gotten 2 days use out of it. Well, I checked at the reception desk and someone had turned it in - karma was finally good to me after all the wallets I've turned in.

The people aren't as nice as I expected; everyone is kind of in a hurry and they sure don't mind pushing you out of the way to get what they want, but that doesn't matter - I love it. The city is so dynamic and there's so much history here. I'm trying to soak it all up. I think that this may be the first real thing I've ever done for just myself and I don't think I could have ever picked a better way to spend these three weeks :D Miss you guys (okay... not really) but I do love you!

A Question of Polygamy

I must apologize if you are not familiar with the L.D.S church and are reading this post. If you would like to know about any of the jargon I use and do not explain, visit www.lds.org. I'm not trying to convert you, merely give you a place that will better explain Mormon vocabulary.

Are you prepared for a lengthy blog containing personal information, religious questions, and lots of talk about polygamy? Really? Okay.

I have questions. Lots of questions. In fact, one of the facets of my personality is my puppy-like curiosity pertaining to all things. Lately, I've had lots of questions about The Church. The Mormon Church. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. My questions are either stemming from or coinciding with a time in my life where it was been very difficult for me to attend church and church functions. Many of my questions are definitely stemming from my feminism and my intellect. I've reached the point where I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ like my feminism, my intellect, and my curiosity - no one will ever convince me of anything different.

That said, knowing that I am loved and appreciated from on high does not answer the questions that I have. Instead, I have more confidence in asking them. Of all my questions, which I will not go into here because this will be long already, I want to know about polygamy (the practice of one spouse having more than one spouse, but for Mormons, the male having multiple wives), and here's what I already know (feel free to correct me if I am wrong, which I might be... because, hey, I'm human - that whole perfection thing that's promised is coming, I'm sure).

• Polygamy was a practice used both in the Old and New Testaments, and is still used in some religions in the world today.
• Polygamy was practiced in the L.D.S. church from about 1880 to 1910 and was instituted, via revelation from God, by Joseph Smith the Prophet.
• Polygamy in the L.D.S. church was a calling. Not every member practiced polygamy.
• One of the "reasons" for polygamy is said to be that there were more women than men at the time it was instituted. I have been told, by an Institute teacher, that this is absolutely false and that Church records show that there were actually more men than women at the time.
• The practice of polygamy was stopped because it was revealed so, but also because Utah needed to become a state and the government would not allow that event to occur until Mormons no longer practiced polygamy.
• The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints no longer practices polygamy.

Now. With all of that, I have many questions, most of which will not ever be answered in this lifetime - shaking fist for eternal perspective. Here are a few of my questions.

• If Joseph Smith was in turmoil because of this principle, why was the succeeding prophet, Brigham Young, so eager to practice it?
• Will polygamy once again become a practice on this earth for members of The Church? In the millennium maybe?
• Will there be polygamy in heaven, specifically, the Celestial Kingdom?
• How can people practice this? And I mean ever.
  
• Could I ever practice this?

Okay. So, I'm not going to understand the Joseph vs. Brigham situation. They were people with unique personalities. I've been told that polygamy will never be a commandment on this earth again, but let's face it, a boy goes into the woods to ask a simple question and wabam! you've got the restored gospel.

So, where does my anxiety stem from? And believe me, I've been on the verge of an anxiety attack at the over-pondering of sharing my husband with another woman, even if she was Mary herself. My anxiety stems from having to share what is most sacred and trustworthy with another woman or multiple wives. And it's more than just the union of sex. It's that there are two of us and I want my husband to be for me. I don't want him to romantically love another woman, share his thoughts as he would with me, or be sealed for time and all eternity to two of us when there is one of him. That's it. I don't want to share. Sharing is caring, and in this arena, I am care free. Selfish? Eek. Maybe. Justifiable? I don't think you'll find many people who disagree with me.

Being sealed to both my husband and another one of his wives scares the ever-livin' out of me.

To make this more complicated - what if I die and my husband marries and is sealed to someone else? (In the L.D.S. church, men can be sealed to more than one woman while a woman can only be sealed to one man - a serious question for another blog.) Or, what if he dies first and is sealed to someone else? What then? Am I totally left out of that decision because the flippin' veil is in the friggin' way?

I've seriously wrestled with these questions for years. And my heart has NEVER felt an ounce of peace, even when I pray about it. The "it'll all work out beyond the veil" stock-answer does not suffice for me here and we Mormons avoid talking about polygamy at all costs, except when to make fun of the F.L.D.S. church and the polygamists at Wal-Mart. We talk about polygamy like we talk about the fact that black men could not hold the priesthood until the 70's.

But, I finally have an answer. After years of questioning, I got my answer. Agency. Agency can never be taken away from us, by God or man, unless we give it away ourselves. No matter if it's here or there, we will always have agency - God made sure of it. If I choose not to be in a polygamous marriage, I don't have to be. If my husband doesn't want to be sealed to anyone more than me, he doesn't have to be.

I cannot adequately explain how my soul feels relief at this moment, but I feel a renewed light in myself, a light that hasn't been there for a while and that makes all the difference for me today, and for my years of questioning.

If you would like to read the article I read, here is the link. Pages 151-52 are what I concentrated on.

I hope this helps. I hope it helps me more in the future and with how I am finding my path to heaven.

A Shot to the Heart

“Mormons should be glad Scientology came along and made them the second weirdest religion.” - Bill Maher

I came across this little gem when reading

When Supervising a Class

I cannot attribute my break in blogging to anything but laziness. It seems that the less I have to do in life, the more I feel the need to be apathetic. 

I don't have any pearls of wisdom or comic book rage-engendering experiences to relate, but here are a few things.

• I get to meet Alan Moore on July 12th when I'm in London. Hurray!
• I really like soccer, coke slurpees, and driving past sage brush in the evening with my car windows down singing just as loud as I can.
• Father's Day was good. I love my daddy. And my mommy..... and my brother.
• Last week, a conversation went like this. 
  

I was eating mandarin oranges out of a small can. 

Enter boss-lady (and not Julie Simon). "Wow. You're going to lose so much weight when you stop working here."

Me: "Excuse me?" (And the kind of excuse me that left me with my mouth agape full of an orange slice and not the ghetto kind.)

Boss-lady, "You eat all the time."

One. No, actually, I don't eat all the time. I snack periodically through the day on pretzels, oranges, apples, and water. Two. Do I have that much weight to lose to constitute a "so" being used as an adjective to my weight? No. I don't. I'm fluffy. See "Kung Fu Panda" and you'll understand why I feel this way. Three. I still don't know why she said that. WTF?

• I really liked "Kung Fu Panda." I identified with a lot of the characters, but mostly Po.
• Crafty people are neat and I wish I could be one.
• I hate my job.
• I'm so excited to go to Europe, cut off all of my hair, and move to Flagstaff. I'm trying to find reasons to be excited about life today, but there's a lot of reasons to be excited about life in a few weeks. (I don't think that it will take me long to be excited about everyday :D)
• I love these women. I don't always agree with them, but they make me feel better about life and my church membership.  
• I want to marry a superhero, mostly Batman.
• Pushy, authority-seeking people bother me. Why don't they just pee on a fire hydrant? It'd be more effective.
• I'm addicted to Lost and I'm not ashamed.
• Read Watchmen. You'll understand The Incredibles on a whole new level. It's mind-blowing. Really.
• You're a neat person. Thanks for reading my blog.

A Random Spattering of Thought due to High Engery and Mountain Dew via My Work Computer

The past few days have been surreal and happy. Surreal in the way that I'd forgotten what it's like to have multiple, life changing incidents occur all at the same time and have all of the aforementioned incidents be positive. Happy in the way that people tell me I'm glowing again and I feel like it. I woke up with a smile on my face this morning and it was a good moment.

Shall I expound? Yes. Yes I shall.

Yesterday, I was informed by a professor at NAU that I got a Graduate Assistantship. This basically means that I will save $12,000 a year in tuition and fees, I get paid to go to school, I get to teach a section of 1050 (1010 elsewhere) with my very own syllabus, books, and assignments, and, get ready for this, I get to have office hours. I'm going to have office hours. I'm 22 and I have office hours. That means, in deconstructionist terms, that I am going to have an office. How cool is that?

A certain C. Joe Willis wanted to make sure of the details of my GA position with the lady over them (...us?....weird) at NAU. He told her my name and she said (via Joe), "Oh. Sarah? She had that position within ten minutes of the start of the meeting. We don't not hire people like that." I was floored. After three rejections (grad school, not otherwise - that's a higher number), it's really, really nice to be wanted. I thought on the dates of my acceptance letter as well. NAU got my application on the 6th, 7th, or 8th. My acceptance letter was dated the 25th. I felt special.

Next Sarah-happy-making event. I bought my ticket to London today. I will be in Europe from July 10 to the 29th. I even got a deal: $967.60. Although, this does mean I will be on a place for something like 16 hours. But still, London is London.

Last happy-making-event for this blog, for there will surely be more to come later today. My dad wants to help me buy a condo for when I live in Flagstaff so that I can basically live rent free and establish mortgage credit. I really hope it works out because I've been searching Realtor.com, but even if it doesn't, it'll be okay. It'll be okay because I have parents who are willing to help me with something like this. It'll be okay because I know that I have people who love me and support me in any way they can. I can't believe I am so lucky.

I suppose in some way, all these event should make me feel older and more mature. They don't. True, they make me very happy, but I feel like a little kid playing dress up in a grown up's life. I know that I will be able to handle teaching and syllabizing and grading and grad-studenting, but, I feel very young. I don't know why.

All of this got me thinking. I realized how cantankerous (such a great word) I've been over the past four months. I fully feel that my stress was legitimate, but the purpose is not to just endure, but to endure it well. I feel badly that I may have been as horrible as I think I've been lately - or for months. I see an area I need to grow in my life, so I am glad of the time to self-reflect. For those of you who have supported me, loved me, and put up with me, thank you. Really. Thank you.

Life is cyclical and a balancing act, but for now, I shall bask the euphoria that comes with the blessings that are specifically designed for us and our experience here.

I'd Rather be Dead in California Than Alive in Arizona

I got accepted to grad school today. I'm going to be a graduate student! I'm getting a Master's degree! Grad school! New books, new people, new teachers, new chapter in my life!

Awwwwwwwwwoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After three rejection letters - Mizzou, Washington State, U of Utah - I got my first acceptance letter today. I still need to hear from one more school, but, as of August 2008 I will be living in Flagstaff, Arizona attending Northern Arizona University getting my Master's Degree in Literature.

Words cannot explain how happy and relieved and thankful I am to have to have security for the next two years of my life. 

No, this is not an April Fool's joke. I'm really going to grad school.

The feeling is very surreal right now, even though I have access to the web site and can look at Fall 2008 classes; I really feel like someone is playing a joke on me. (I will stuck otter pops up their butts if they are *insert shaking fist*.)

The best part of today, besides getting accepted to grad school, a celebratory coke slurpee, or the hiding of my phone in the ceiling much like The Office, was telling my dad. He got emotional as he told me he was glad I wasn't going too far away.

It's nice to be loved so much.

Farewell, adios, and, as always, spooning leads to forking.

An Update... Kind Of

So, I wouldn't say this is the finished product, but this is the piece I presented at Sigma Tau Delta's National Convention in Louisville last week. I was privileged to be on a panel of amazing women who wrote incredible papers about their experience in life sans Y chromosome. The panel was a Creative Non-Fiction panel; I submitted this paper as CNF mostly because I don't think I was ready to admit that everything about it was true. But, it is true.

I Wasn’t A Feminist Until I Found Four-Inch Red Stilettos

A Wilder Side

When I was little girl, I had a pair of shoes that my parents and I affectionately referred to as my “wild shoes.” They were a type of Keds that were multi-colored, flowery, and bold. I felt invincible in my wild shoes. No puddle was too wide or muddy, nor was any rollie-pollie bug or spider safe from the crushing power of my small feet or my wild shoes. When my tiny toes started to press against the edge of my beloved shoes, I was reluctant to get another pair. Soon, I began walking like an arthritic, three-legged dog and new shoes were a must. I traded in my wild shoes for a pair of shiny, white, bland, popular Keds.

I Had Feet in Those Shoes

Whenever I think of reading as a child, I always picture a quaint scene in Barnes & Noble on a snowy day. A young, buff and surprisingly afro-ed version of my father walks up to the long haired, stick version of my mother. He says in his authoritative cop-tone, “Hey honey. When did you start reading children’s books?” A playful smile curls into his lips and somewhere beneath his busy mustache, his dimples indent slightly. As the snow continues to fall and create perfect, picturesque fog circles on the windows, my mother says, “You’ve got your head on your shoulders and your feet in your shoes…” She turns to him and quickly retorts, “Oh, I just wanted pick out your Christmas present early this year.” My mother, always sure to make a point, sets down the book she was reading to me and goes on to say why she’s perusing the kids’ books: she wants to make sure that I, her three-year old blonde and bashful pride and joy, have positive female role models to read about – she’ll have none of that manipulative-bitch-like behavior that is seen in sordid characters like that damn Tinkerbelle. My father shakes his head and walks back to the magazine section of Barnes and Noble where those people hang out and waits expectantly until he’s needed. The facts: Barnes & Noble couldn’t have been found in a hundred mile radius of where I lived in 1988; I grew up in Southern California and it snowed only once when I was six; my dad still may never have set foot in a bookstore in his adult life; and, my mother, well, the part about my mother is true. I grew up with positive, non-manipulative, non-bitchy, but vocal nonetheless, female role models.

Whose Shoes?

Basketball shoes remind me of sixth grade. I’ve been six feet tall since then. When shopping for basketball shoes, I had to buy boys’ shoes because the small-town shoe store we went to didn’t have any girls’ shoes big enough for me. Word got around in rural school about the six foot, boy-shoe wearin’ girl, and so began the three basic assumptions about me: one, I was the fat kid that weighed like a thousand pounds – how do those chairs hold her up again?; two, I was tall ergo I was good at basketball and volleyball and basically any other sport that required me to be athletic and my usefulness ended there; and three was that I did not like boys – at all. The facts: I weighed close to 140 pounds and was basically all muscle; I was a force to be reckoned with when playing basketball, but the mop the janitors used to clean with would have volleyed a ball better; and, I was so much in need of boys’ attention that I stunted my own dating growth well into my sophomore year of college. In my adolescence, I was not the girly-girl, the pretty girl, or the girl who got asked out; I was the move-in-from-Southern-California-where-surely-there-must-be-

something-wrong-with-the-water-girl that was completely mislabeled. I just wasn’t “normal.” Oh, I also wasn’t blonde anymore.

Ready, Fire, Aim

When I think about Tyson Brown, I see a grassy middle school football field on a rare sunny day in April. Eighth graders are abundant and ready to leave the dregs of society behind for something much cooler: high school. There are about ten of us and the boy that I loathe is in attendance. Intellectual exchanges are obviously important in middle school, so we begin to discuss the meaning in a name. For instance, Jordon – who is my beautiful, tiny, flirtatious best friend – her name means, “Hot,” because, well, all the boys think she’s sooo sexy. We go around the circle, expertly classifying each others’ names and the boy whom I’m not fond of, the one I mentioned before, he gets his profound observation ready for the kill. There is no mistaking the look in his eyes for anything but pleasure as he pronounces, “Sarah is a Fat-Ass name.” The usual awkward chuckles ensue, and cumbersome looks are cast in my general direction. I don’t even have to look up from my three-stripe Adidas soccer shoes before I whip out the secret, end-all-be-all trump card: “Yeah? Well, Tyson is a Limp Dick name.” Laughs are beyond being stifled because I have just handed out the biggest slam of any middle school career. Chubby/Tall girls are redeemed forever, and stupid boys will think twice before they cross a girl that can think. The facts: my mom told me to say that.

I Can’t Feel My Toes…

There was a time in my life when I would wear nothing but flip-flops. They, at the most, caused a half-inch change in stature. I wore flip-flops in the winter, and even when my toes would turn blue, I wore the flops. I wore drab colors and I didn’t know how to dress my awkward body. Girl’s clothes didn’t fit because I was too tall and I had started to mature, which meant I was getting stretch marks and cellulite in awkward places, like my arms and breasts. Wearing boy’s pants gave me an inner-tube that Goodyear would have been proud to support and a figure reminiscent of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. I didn’t want to stand out so I walked with my hair in my eyes and my head down. The facts: I was popular by association; I incurred a devastating knee-injury that put me out of sports for the rest of my life during my freshman year and consequently gained 50 pounds due to inactivity; halfway through my first date ever, I was lied to, ditched, and left at a friend’s house to be the third-wheel wondering what I had done wrong; and, I was pity-dated to my Junior Prom and I couldn’t even find a dress to fit that I liked because I was too big.

Hitting the Road

There is a clear picture of black Vans shoes stomping down onto the black pavement in the visual narrative that exists in my mind. The shoes have a white stripe on either side of the foot. One shoe has a bright red shoelace, the other, a white lace. The text that accompanies the image reads, “The shoe sounded down onto the pavement catching her averted attention. He knew she hadn’t noticed him until then, walking down the sidewalk, but he knew he had to have her attention, even if for a moment; he needed her to know that he existed. She was startled and looked up, surprised that someone would interrupt her thoughts as the grim scene from the night before controlled her contemplative state. His grin was from ear to ear and in that moment, she knew he was something.” The facts: seeing those Vans with a red lace changed my life. I hadn’t noticed the shy boy that sat in the back of two of my classes until that day. It wasn’t long until we were together, and I grew to love him more than any other. I’d never felt close to someone, never felt like someone truly saw me despite my faults. A significant other hadn’t really loved me until then. But with all love comes the trial – and we were put in front of a grand jury. I was forced to realize that with the revealing of all the truth comes the unveiling of all the lies. I committed to a love that almost destroyed me; I almost lost myself in the act of trying to recover what was never really there. Because of that relationship I learned more about myself, humanity, love, and God than any other singular experience had ever taught me.

The Great Enlightenment

When I reflect on how I came to the realization that I’ve always been a Feminist, I picture a rainy afternoon during my senior year of college. I walk into a store where I insist on finding a good deal and therefore can justify picking out an outfit that will make me feel better about myself, life, and, basically, civilization in general. I peruse the racks looking for ways to spend money that I don’t have when I suddenly find myself staring at my very own altar to the gods – a shelf full of shiny, shiny pointy-toed stilettos. Now, ladies with skis for feet can understand – Size 11 does NOT exist to the fine shoemakers of the world. A pair of shoes that gargantuan is not only offensive to the fashion world and to women, but is probably abhorrent to humanity as a whole. Therefore, to find a pair of Size 11’s to strap on that one loves is cause for choruses of Hallelujah to ring through the halls. Hallelujah’s are blaring through the halls, perfectly timed glittering flakes have been released for a dramatic and celestial effect, and a spotlight from above shines down like a beacon of righteousness onto a pair of Size 11 shiny, pointy-toed red stilettos – my pair of Size 11 pointy-toed red stilettos. The facts: this passage is completely, 100%, swear on the Bible, The Virgin, and, even though he’s still alive, my father’s grave, accurate.

Sunny Day Sweeping the Clouds Away

When I picture my life as of now, I’m usually sitting in front of a computer. This is only because it’s my last semester of classes and I’m somewhat of a procrastinator. On late nights, my novelty Elmo slippers keep my feet warm because I’m too poor to turn up the heater past 70. Paper after paper weighs on my mind and I can’t wait to be done with my undergraduate degree because I can’t bear the thought of having to teach one more day of high school. The facts: I’m not giving up on teaching – quite the contrary, I’m applying to grad school so that I can teach what I want to teach where I want to teach it; tomorrow night I’m auditioning to be in the Vagina Monologues for a second time and I desperately want to be the “Angry Vagina”; I’m a six foot tall woman that on occasion becomes 6’4”, and I plan on spending the rest of my life finding ways to make choruses of Hallelujah materialize as if from nowhere.

Find a Happy Place

Sometimes, being happy is a battle for me. I imagine myself as a stanch fighter in some kind of war, like the war at the beginning of "The Lord of the Rings" movie, fighting against the powers that would make me unhappy, because the key to happiness lies just on the other side of the opposing army. A weird picture to be sure, but that's what happens when you're a dork with an overactive, visual imagination.

Last February 14th, I was realized I had depression. Two days later, I was diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety. Writing, or saying, this on paper or out loud is not difficult when I share my experience with a trusted few. I knew that I would inevitably share this particular trial with many. And for some reason, I feel the need to share tonight.

The two months prior to that fateful day, and the three months after, were the hardest in my life. I have never known despair to that extent. I felt hopeless, helpless, miserable, and empty. I had nothing to give; I could only take.

But, and this is a big but, because I knew sadness to that depth, I knew that I could also experience happiness to that degree, and more. 

There is a stigma in many cultures, particularly in the Utah culture, that the word depression is a synonym for crazy. I think this is why I don't share my experience with many. I am not ashamed of myself, but leaving the sacred parts of my life open to the judgements and sneers of those who choose not to understand is difficult.

I heard once that we should not share sacred experiences with many, because they lose their sanctity, much like I shouldn't tell someone I'm in love with them when I really am unsure of my feelings. And although my trial with depression is sacred, I refuse to let an unhappy memory have power of my life. Instead, I choose to let it be a secure foothold in my life. A place where I know I have strength, courage, and experience so that it cannot be an unhappy memory anymore. Depression has been replaced with wisdom and love.

There are many things that help me now. I don't feel the need to share them. I just want to illustrate that sometimes my happiness is a choice and a battle. Today was a difficult day to keep fighting though.

The past few days have been really tough. I missed an extremely important grad school deadline and almost forgot another. I still have no idea what to do with my life after August, I feel like I'm in limbo, I feel like I can't do anything right, that people have no faith in me, and that if they do have faith in me that it's a wasted effort, and that all things that I have been trying to do "better" lately have been for naught. I feel depressed.

Maybe it's the time of year or the fact that the sun hasn't been out in a really long time, maybe I'm fighting what I'm supposed to really be doing instead of what God needs me to be doing, maybe I don't know what I really want. Maybe it's P.M.S.

I don't know. 

What I do know is that writing about this helps me. Sharing my experience does too. Maybe that's all I need to know right now.

La Vida Buena Está Aquí

I had previously thought that I'd try to blog about my days in Mexico at the end of everyday in Mexico. So much for promises to myself that I never intended to keep.

I find that even though I left three and a half days ago that I'm still having a hard time crystallizing my thoughts about my experience there. I love it in Mexico; it is forever a part of me now and I know that I will go back. Maybe more than the country is the experience. Our group had shirts that read, "Solamenete una vida que se vive para otros es una vida que vale la pena." Only a life lived for others is a life worth living.

I didn't agree with that statement upon first glance, but upon further introspection, I just didn't understand it. I didn't know what it could be like to worry and work for others. To not worry about how I would get my food, but how another family would get theirs became my focal point. To not worry about my toys or my sidewalks or my playtime or my enjoyment, but somebody else's... I never lived that 24 hours a day. I want it back.

Christmas is a little less magical for me right now. I'm a little more observant, pensive, and grateful. And at the same time, I worry about how much money was spent on me when such money could be spent on the people and orphans in Mexico. Every dollar to me is ten pesos that could have gone to them.

There are so many things in my heart that I cannot write, and should not because they've become sacred. But I will share this.

On our last day in Mexico, we went to the market and the beach. I was bitching from the beginning of the day. There were still things to be done and kits to be handed out. I hated the market. I hated buying things for myself and my family, and I hated the souvenirs. I left as soon as I'd dropped sixty bucks. A friend and I wandered the streets for the remaining two hours, trying to desperately capture the last minutes we had in this different culture.

When we went to the beach later that day, I thought about the day before, when we'd gone shopping for a lady that lived in a 10 by 8 foot shack with walls of cardboard and tin and a leaky tin roof. All of her possessions had been stolen and she and her husband and 4 children lived in this "home." The only food they had were about 8 oranges. Everyone in our van donated at least 20 dollars and we spent almost 200 at the store buying food, blankets, diapers, clothes, and cots, because they'd been sleeping on box springs. Shopping that day was just.... better.

As I stood in the surf and watched the sun go down, I knew that I had been so annoyed earlier at the market because I was buying things for people who didn't really need them. I spent money on myself, instead of those who truly needed it.

When I related this experience to my dad, I cried - a lot. I didn't cry at all in Guaymas, but coming home reminded me of what I missed there. He told me about a time when he was in San Carlos, a town not far from Guaymas. He met an old fisherman and my dad asked if he'd ever dreampt about going to the U.S. for something more. The old man smiled and shook his head. He said that he'd been here, and he'd met our people. And then he said, "La vida buena está aquí." The good life is here.

I was blessed in Mexico with a glimpse - a glimpse at what life should really be like. I don't know how I'll go back to everything in Cedar that awaits me. I don't want to.

I found a new fulfillment in Mexico. I may have even found God again in Mexico. Mexico is the best Christmas present I've ever been given, and I hope that I change because of it.

Hasta Nunca: Mexico Part Dos

So, second post for the day. Although I had to finish up work this morning and was unable to follow the schedule everyone else was on, today was a great day. Definitely better than yesterday – but not in a bad way. During the daytime, we “work” for eight hours in various places. We can choose from a soup kitchen called Chewy’s, an orphanage, an elementary school, or water collection for scientific testing (which really means we go to areas outside of Guaymas and check water for bacteria and Ecoli). Since I didn’t go anywhere this morning, my choice was made for me in the afternoon – the orphanage.

The orphanage is just outside the city limits of Guaymas near a harbor, but it’s not the picturesque beach in Mexico – it smells real bad. The orphanage is run by Catholic nuns and actually is quite quaint. The kids have a nice little courtyard and a playground, and everything is really really clean considering their surroundings.

We do different things there. Breaking into little groups, I headed for the playground. Today’s project was digging a better hole for the new trampoline we were going to assemble. The hole needed to be quite large and they didn’t have wheelbarrows, so we had to shovel dirt into ten gallon buckets and haul it to the edge of the playground, bucket by bucket. The children were so willing to help. They shoveled dirt and generally kept us entertained. There was definite excitement in the air as the other groups finished and came to watch us put together the trampoline. We had to keep grabbing kids off of the frame because they were trying to get on before we were done. If any of you have put together a trampoline before, you know it’s tough business. Lots of pulling and stretching.

The tension finally reached the ultimate threshold as the last spring was connected and the kids cheered and scrambled on. I have never seen kids that happy before. They laughed and bounced and it was just so wonderful.

I’d like to think I’m making a difference by being here. Maybe I’m not to them. They probably won’t even remember me. But they are making a difference to me and I’ll always remember them.

The good thing about a group our size, about 50, is that there was basically one kid to every American. Mine is name Aleah. She’s seis and so full of life. She was hanging onto someone else while I was digging, but as I clambered out of the hole in my pink hiking skirt, she had her hands stretched out for me. She held onto my neck and nuzzled me. It was really hard to hold her when she was trying to escape to the unfinished trampoline, but as soon as we had it in the ground, she was on it. She kept coming back to me, wanting me to bounce with her. I don’t think the leaders really wanted us on the trampoline with the kids, but we’ve established that I don’t really have an affinity for listening to them. Three of us big kids got on with the ninos and had a blast. Aleah’s laugh was intoxicating. I don’t know the last time I’ve had that much fun. Playing with the kids, shoveling the dirt, avoiding the frogs – none of it felt like work. Everything we do is for someone else. I’ve never lived my life like that. A life like that is just….better.

We bounced for a good half hour before we had to leave. We said hasta luego y adios y hasta manana. We will really be back tomorrow, but it kind of felt like a lie because we won’t be able to come back in a few days. Even one of the girls retorted Hasta Nunca! And I know that she meant it.

While we’re here, I’m going to make the most of it though.

We went to the beach after the orphanage, which was great, but I’d have rather been at the orphanage. I can’t wait to go back tomorrow and see the kids again. They are such wonderful little people and even though they’re orphans, I really think they’re some of the happiest kids I’ve ever met.

This will keep me safe from the hot, Mexican sun.

Okay. Today isn't necessarily my first day in Mexico, but it's the day I'm writing about my first day here. Yesterday was amazing, but definitely not what I expected. I know that I came down here to do service, but I think I was too busy this semester to process what coming here would exactly entail. Oh. And would just like to mention/gloat that I'm sitting in the shade because sitting directly in the sun is a little too warm.

To start off the day, we went to church. I will avoid venting about how the leaders only knew where an L.D.S. church was or that even though I thousands of miles away from Utah, that it was still somewhat of a social obligation to attend church. I am glad, however, that I went. I do love going to church - anywhere - but here, it is much different. There were only about fifteen members and the Bishop was the only person on the stand. When our entire group walked in, we quadrupled the size of the congregation. What was the most neat part of sacrament, aside from obviously being in Spanish, is that these people have a completely different kind of testimony than what I usually see and hear. They are humble and they sacrifice greatly to be members. Everyone works here, and to attend church, these people probably miss out on money for their living, but they come anyway. Their love for the gospel is so simple, but so strong and real. The Spirit is able to transcend language barriers and testify of their love, the love of God, and the abundance of truth. I will take church in Mexico any day. (The only "weird" part about church is when two completely separate groups of students from SUU came to church - apparently they're here job-shadowing in the medical fields. We were all quite surprised to see each other.)

I checked out of church after sacrament because I actually have to work while I'm here (not something I like to do even when I'm in the U.S.). So I headed back and was promptly asked to help the leaders. Another member of the group and I wen to "Ley" - the Mexican, more crowded and disorganized version of a ghetto Wal-Mart - to buy milk, ice, and cream cheese. This was quite the experience. Ley is located in a mall-type situation. People are absolutely everywhere. Everyone here is always waiting. (I'll take pictures to prove this, but I left my cord at home.) Around the actual store are all these little vendors selling food and clothes. I will pause this narrative to say that I had the most amazing carne asada tacos for 17 pesos (roughly $1.70) at the store. I love Mexican food -REAL Mexican food.

Anyhoo, Ley was so lively. There were Flamenco dancers right outside the store and people were yelling in to microphones about pollo, carne, jamon, frioles, y marisocles, but other than that, it was another Wal-Mart. When we finally checked out, a boy about seven bagged our groceries. The other group member and I asked the check out lady and she said that he doesn't actually get paid - he only gets tips from people as he bags their groceries. My heart broke a little. This little boy should have been out playing soccer with his friends, but he was bagging groceries, working, like he'll be working for the rest of his life.

Lunch. Lunch was lame. I did not come to Mexico to eat Doritos, snack-packs, and chicken salad sandwiches. I'm going to a vendor for lunch today.

The highlight of the day was when brought hygiene kits to an impoverished neighborhood in Inpendencia. Most of the houses were made from scrap wood, cardboard, and one was even made from the bottoms and tops of barrels. The kits had blankets, food, soap, towels, toothbrushes, and the like in them. One of the families we brought it to was being raised by an 11 girl. She had a 7 year-old brother, a 3 year-old sister, and another infant sister. We couldn't really figure out if there actually was a mother present or just working, but the little girl raises this family. Another family was comprised of two 15 year-old parents and a 3 month old baby. 

As we were taking the kits around, families, mostly kids were flocking to us because we were handing out necessities and some toys. The problem is that we only had a limited supply of things, and we'd promised goods to families already. Leaving the kids behind who weren't quick enough to get a toy was heart-breaking. I started taking food out of our treat bags and handing that out. I was told not to by a leader because "that was all we had for the trip home." Really? That's all we have for the trip home? Good thing I brought my debit card. I started steathily handing out treats at a faster rate after that.

The best part about this highlight was when we played soccer with the neighborhood kids for an hour or so. These kids are amazing, probably because it's all they do all day, but they kicked our trash! It was the Americans versus the Mexican ninos and it was so much fun! Playing games with them better than handing out food. It was much more memorable.

What little Spanish I do know is very handy. I find that I know more than I thought I did and that communicating with the people is wonderful. I thought they would be sad - missing out on iPods, clean food, clean streets, and the like, but they are so happy and so patient with me and my crappy Spanish. Especially the kids. When we were playing soccer, Luis, a little boy I snuck some ChexMix to, handed me a tiny package of candy. He told me it was for me for being there. I don't think I'm going to eat the candy. When it came time to leave, they asked if we were going to come back as we were leaving yesterday. I don't think that any of us had the heart to tell them no.

We had to leave shortly before dark. That's what the Police Officers told us. They were with our group for our protection, but I never really felt unsafe. That is until we heard two gunshots from the street last night. I do love Mexico though!

We did lots more yesterday, but I don't want to keep writing and missing out on experiences. Hasta luego!

Finalmente!

I'm done. I done? I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I am done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done!I'm done! I AM DONE.

I am the official holder of a Bachelor of Arts degree in English. I have worked for four and a half years. I turned in my last undergrad paper today (on why Wonder Woman should NOT be a feminist icon) and I am done. Graduated. Finished. Accomplished. Done.

I even bought myself a graduation ice cream cone from Grandee's - double scoop.

I'm done. Now I'm going to Mexico for eight days. I'll be sure to chronicle my adventures.

I'm done.