I guess I can't play the "I never date" card or the "Opportunities never present themselves" card. I do have a fair amount of opportunities, but I really haven't had anyone I'd consider my boyfriend in over three years. There was one dude last April, but he turned out not to be so nice and even after a month of seeing each other almost everyday, I still did not give him the title of boyfriend - a very wise and empowering decision in retrospect since he turned out to be such a douchebag.
Last semester, there was one foray into dating and ended as badly as any could. It's taken me months to internalize and process one comment he said to me in October, so two nights ago, I think I was dealing with all the crap I haven't cried for.
This boy was actually a dear friend and one of my closest here in Flagstaff. We had awesome conversations about life and the Church, films, comic books, and Dexter. I could be myself with him. I trusted him. I thought he saw through the same social constructs I did, especially when it came to social Mormon ideologies. I thought, If this is not the man I'm meant to be with, I'm glad I know one can exist in the Church. So, most of all, he gave me an exponential amount of hope that if one day I do get married, I will not have to give up my creativity or my educational pursuits, that balancing motherhood, wifehood, and self would be a real possibility.
When I returned to Flag in August, we spent a lot of time together. I soon realized that the friend I had no feelings for and had always wanted to like.... well, I was beginning to deeply like him. After two months of trying to read between the lines, I was straight-up and honest - something he said he completely respected me for. He said he needed time to think.
After about a week, he came back and we had a lengthy conversation. There were many complications that I do not wish to discuss, but when it came to me, he said he had very much been entertaining the thought of being with me because he recognized the value or our type of friendship being the basis for a relationship. However, and I'm going to directly quote as far as my memory is reliable, he looked me in the eye and said, "You know, whenever I think about dating someone, she's a supermodel. And well, you're not a Size 2."
He said he ultimately didn't think he could date me for a few other reasons, but, I have dated someone who was emotionally abusive, and I think this may be one of the most hurtful things anybody has ever said to me. Ever.
Right then and there, I knew I had no more feelings for him, and upon further reflection, I no longer want to be friends with him. Because you know what buddy? Damn straight I'm not a size 2 (paradoxically, neither is he... surprising, I know). I will NEVER be a size 2 and how dare you place the value of my love and abilities to be an amazing partner in a relationship on the size of my pants.
That process took milliseconds to work out in my head - thankfully. But what I have struggled to regain is my faith. This person that I thought more highly of than many others, trusted, confided in, and appreciated for a year in one sentence undid everything I did have faith in. (This probably explains my recent foray into dating/being interested in only non-members.)
I lost my faith because, while yes, perhaps I should have not been so trusting or put all of my faith eggs in one big, unworthy basket, in my ways, I feel like I've lost the opportunity to find someone who will do for me the things I know I am deserving of. If it takes a whole year to find out the true heart of a person, specifically a person I'm interested in, then how can I have faith?
And that... that is something I am still working on reconciling.
9 comments:
This reminds me of a line from (500) Days of Summer where one guy says his girlfriend is better than the girl of his dreams, because she's real.
I think you've had some pretty painful relationships from which you've learned and grown a lot. It's just the boys who aren't men. By the way, I think there were a couple of things in here that I needed to hear, so thank you.
I think that no matter what, we can never know the heart of another person, and people will always surprise us--good and bad. Maybe that's why it's called a leap of faith.
I think you are beautiful, funny, smart, and an all around fabulous person. I am lucky to count you as a friend, and I can't wait to see you in St. Louis this weekend!
I think you're a genuinely fabulous person, and no matter what awesomeness that fellow had going for him, if he planned on dating some size 2 girl and was prepared to throw you over for something as trivial as size, well, then it's cliché, but you do deserve better than him. I'm sorry that happened to you, but I admire your willingness to take what happened and turn it into a learning experience.
Good luck in love, life, and school (not necessarily in that order.)
My right leg (without the excess fat) couldn't fit into size 2 pants, and I have a small frame! Anyway, lately I have been really grateful for the stupidness of men. Sometimes they come right out and say the dumbest things that make no sense, but I view that as God's blessings to me. It is a very easy way to weed out the self-righteous from the good (the good being those who genuinely know how to love others).
Also, I'm sorry that it has turned you off of dating guys in the church a little. Fortunately, that stupid guy was not representative of the entire population, and thank goodness he was up front and you found this out before you actually committed your heart to him.
Sarah, Sarah.
My initial reaction is to find this ginormous asshole and scrub him clean with a Scotch Brite pad and some Borax, paying particular attention to his most sensitive, tiny bits. I'd also install a spine.
My second reaction is to prod you to try watching "Sex and the City" again. This guy is a modelizer.
I'm really sorry this happened. Wait, no. I'm glad his mask was removed and you saw his true value as completely worthless. I'm glad that his selfish, materialistic, superficial, GIANT DICK self was shown to you, my sensitive, funny, intelligent, gorgeous, beautiful-souled friend. What a PRICK of a human. What goes around comes around, darlin' and I think you can soothe your wounds with some righteous indignantly-fueled, solidly founded daydreams of some size 2 woman looking at him and saying, "Well, you're not an Arnold Schwarzenegger, so...sorry." It's ok to hope that the soft, white underbelly of such a solipsistic human will be sliced wide open. Words move our hearts, pain moves our asses. I'm just really thankful your ass moved so quickly.
Move on, dear. And one more thing: religion of any brand is no guarantee of a person's integrity, character, personality, values, or fidelity. You know this. Believe it again.
Wow, it's almost as if you want to thank him for being an ass so you could stop wasting your time thinking about him or a potential relationship, cause there's no way in Hell he's worth your time. I'm glad you have the self respect to realize that not only is it an unfair expectation that he has, but an abusive one. I feel bad for his future wife who will always be under pressure to maintain a size 2, and bake loaves of fresh bread, clean, raise the kids, etc...barefoot in the kitchen of course. What a pig. Don't worry girl, I know what it's like to be 20 something and single, and as sucky as it is sometimes, it is much better to have your self respect than to settle for the crap we're propositioned with. Hang in there hot mamma!
*phfft* That's the sound of a whoopee cushion. And the sound of a whoopee cushion is startlingly similar to the sound of a human heart when it suddenly sees that someone who initially seemed awesome is actually not. Very deflating.
I read this post of yours a few days ago, then again yesterday, and I was thinking of it all day today. And here's the short-yet-blindingly-obvious conclusion I came to:
It doesn't make you feel better to find you deserve "better" when you can't be sure there IS "better."
I had a boyfriend (remember the missionary?) who, though great, did not love me the way I thought he did and wanted him to. And there's something so much more heart-wrenching in losing someone when all your hopes were resting on his shoulders. If my best friend in the world - a man I was CONVINCED had all the qualities I was looking for and a heart that matched mine - if he wasn't right, how would anyone else ever be?
Which is all to say: I think I have had the kind of feeling that you're describing. And it sucks. Balls.
I think the ordinary kind of woman has lots of options in a mate; there are plenty of ordinary men to choose from and be happy with. The extraordinary woman (and man) has some more work to do. You are extraordinary, Slarue, and I am so glad you are. The extraordinary woman, when thinking of her soul mate, isn't going to consider body measurements all that much. Because - let's face it - the extraordinary woman has evolved past the mental age of eleven. I really, really wish that this dude had been a little more ... oh, I don't know, un-douche-like, but as someone who has seen you at your best and appreciated it, I'm really glad that you're not around him anymore.
And for the record: dude, your body is slammin. And there's definitely a better man out there. And I bet he has scriptures and foreign films.
Wow. I don't know what to say. I'm so lucky to have friends like this. I'm also lucky to have friends who don't marginalize my feelings and say to just move on. Thank you for accepting the fact that I need to heal and offering words of encouragement/threats to his very being :D
Additionally, he can fucking suck it. I've lost 25 pounds and there ain't no way he'll ever get with this now.
ok, ok, ok... i know exactly the kind of moron you're talking about. i had one of these, too. this best friend i had had for YEARS and then this quasi-relationship while weston was on his mish ... basically it all became CRYSTAL clear to me the day said douchebag said, "i guess i'm just confused" i said, "ok, why?" he said, "i guess i just don't understand why you think weston will come home and be interested in someone LIKE YOU." it was over after that :) i hear ya, sister!
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