Comparatively Speaking

So. I have this little problem where I compare myself to other people....a lot of the time. I concern myself with such thoughts as, "Am I as good of writer as he is?....well, why am I not then?" or "Am I prettier or uglier than her?" and, "Am I better girlfriend than she was?" Seriously speaking, five to ten of these thoughts run through my head on a daily basis. This, in actuality, could be better or worse than what I think, but I honestly don't care to know right now.

I think that this system/code has also existed within me - I'm pretty competitive. I've always been a bit concerned with being just a little better - the better teacher, the more trusted, funnier friend, the better speaker, the more well-liked, better-in-general person.

This thought process gets me nowhere.....fast.

What this thought process is actually doing to me as a person is making me digress in my quest to become a more balanced individual. In effect, worrying about being the "better person" is not making me a better person. It's making me more cynical, more degrading of others, more judgemental. This drive, this need to be better is causing me more pain than it is bringing me confidence.

People can't be set up in a Structuralist manner. The worth of a person's soul, life, and abilities cannot be summed up in two columns for binary scrutiny. The worth of a soul is embedded much deeper than these theories allow for - the route to humanity lies in a person's own standing.

I had a dear friend point out to me that I'll never write like Sharon Olds writes. I will never sing like Etta James sang. I'll never lead a life like Gandhi lead a life. I'll write like Sarah La Rue writes, and I'll sing like her too. I cannot find the worth of myself in other people: I must find it within myself because no one is going to live a life like I'm going to live a life.

The Top 5 of Why I Now Love "High Fidelity"

1. Jack Black sings "Let's Get It On."
2. The entire film is about music.
3. The phrase "ass-muncher" is used.
4. Joan Cusack.
5. A person struggling in a relationship decides to make it work and give up the never-to-be-fulfilled-in-a-million-years-unrealistic-fantasy - and it's still a happy ending!

A Mild Disappointment

I auditioned for the Vagina Monologues last night. I wanted the part of "My Angry Vagina." That monologue is the one I identified with the most because I love the resolution near the end.

I did not get that part. But, I think it's important to be involved in something bigger than yourself, because really, no part is insignificant when representing women.

This is a little idealistic, but I love the monologues. Everyone should see the show, with or sans vagina.

She or He?

I don't know what it is lately, but I find myself looking at the structure of the romantic languages and finding that they are completely set up for a patriarchy. This is not what annoys me though because I've always sub-consciously been aware of this fact. What annoys me is that I try to explain my frustrations to other people, women included, and they look at me like I'm unbearably dim-witted. I think what actually hurts my feelings more than these people thinking I'm an idiot is that they really, genuinely don't give a rat's ass.

It annoys me when my mom and I go to the cinema and the high school boy taking tickets says, "Hey guys. How are you tonight?" Okay, he's being polite - but we are NOT guys, we are girls, women, ladies, etc. I'm not saying that I corrected the kid, although my mom did, I'm saying that if I were the one taking tickets and I had said, "Oh haaaaay ladies!" to him and his buddies, there would have been irritated looks cast in my general direction.

I brought this up at work, not to make a point but because someone coincidentally asked me. I was talking to five other males and they thought I was crazy. Their responses varied between, "Well, 'guys' is just a way to say people, " and, "Well, if you're going to be irritated about being 'guys' you'd have to be irritated about being called a 'woman' or 'human' because it has 'man' in it." Suffice it to say, I either did not articulate myself clearly enough or my concerns fell on deaf ears, but my point was not internalized -at all.

The paramount annoyance occurred today in my Educational Block when a guy who looks like he should be in "Deliverance," not education, got upset because he was reading an article about the effects of personality disorders in the classroom. The subject of the article who was supposed to represent all students was continually referred to as "he." The male in my class actually asked, "Hey. Is there some gender discrimination going on here?" - EXACTLY! I can't remember the last time I heard anyone stop and pose this question when the subject representing all is a "he" and there are positive attributes applied to that "he." Singular pronouns are now "he or she" for a reason - to start being more equal in language, and not just when one gender is being misrepresented.

I would love to say that men just don't understand. But that's completely false. I know plenty of men who would agree with me, not because they're feminists, but because they understand how linguistics structures are created and often, the male is privileged in speech and writing. I just wish there were more of those men here so that when I speak up, I'm not labeled as some crazy, misguided feminist.

I'm not saying I'm going to change an entire linguistic system, or correct someone, male or female, when they call my mom and me "guys," but I'm just asking that people realize what they are saying and why they are saying it. I'm a girl, not a guy dammit.

Somewhere Inbetween, Everything is A-OK

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.

-Aldous Huxley

Good music feels like home to me.

I've been thinking lately how attached I am to music. Even when I'm the most lonely, I can put on familiar songs and be taken to a different place. Music is often my solace, my place to vent rage, a familiar face instead of a bleak and colorless expanse.

I find it interesting how I attribute songs to people and times in my life. I can be miles away from those people and times in my mind, but as soon as "Smile" comes on random play, I think of R, and how she anchored me, showed me how to hope again, and how she taught me to say "Fuck it" to all the rest. "The Future Freaks Me Out" reminds me of Pittsburgh and how I miss that city and how I regret not spending more time with the people I should have been spending it with. Yo Yo Ma reminds me of bathtime. Songs that I refuse to listen to anymore because my heart can't even take listening to the introductory notes take me to places that need to stay in the past.

I feel like songs become mine and they take on meaning for my life. I've decided not to do my Student Teaching or get my Level II License next semester, which is a big step for me as I rarely diverge from the "responsible/laid out" path. It's not that I'm giving up, it's that I've decided that not every inch of my life has to have a plan and that I'm not bound to decisions I made five years ago. I'm instead going to apply to grad school because more education is what I want more than anything. I want the experience of being out of my element and being challenged more than I have ever been. I'm ready to go someplace where religion doesn't matter as much as it does here - where faith is a choice instead of a social pressure. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but it somehow makes sense in my head as I listen to Buster.

The following lyrics reflect not what I feel to be love, but to be life. The words don't make me sad; maybe the combination of the music changes how the words sound, but this song makes me feel more at home than few other places lately.


Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance?
Or only one way that it was always meant to be
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can't help it baby, this is who I am
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away