Hurt

Auden had always considered herself a good friend, the kind of friend that could listen and process, and be trusted. That’s why she sat and looked at him patiently, waiting while he searched for words.

Darnell’s picture of himself resembled a puzzle, the kind of puzzle that had fall colored trees and endless blue sky. Putting together that kind of puzzle takes patience and a keen eye. People don’t generally have time to put Darnell together. That’s why he fidgeted and looked away as her green eyes patiently waited.

“Everyone I know goes away in the end.”

The chair he was sitting on made him look like a child. The arms came up past his chest and the head of the chair was at least two inches above Darnell’s head.

As he began, his eyes were locked onto the stain on the edge of the arm of the chair. “My dad left me a letter before he left for good. I found it before my mom did, that’s probably why I still have it. I keep it in a box with dirt samples. I thought it would be one of the last places my mom would ever find it. I don’t really remember him. I don’t have any pictures. It’s like he’s dead, like she killed him when she burned the pictures. I only have the letter. ”

The couch creaked as Auden adjusted. She had the distinct feeling that he was telling her something he had never told anyone. She had thought it was strange that he began referring to her as his best friend shortly after they met, but now it occurred to her that no one had ever listened to him before.

“I’ve read that letter down almost past repair – the ink is so faded. I know what it says though. It says I should find someone I can call my sweetheart. It’s funny he’d say that. I think he hated my mom.” He looked up suddenly and met her gaze for the first time that night. “I’ve never told anyone about that letter before.”

***

The music was loud - the kind of loud that went into Auden’s head and pushed out any other thought so that the music became the only thing that was real. Her keen eyes kept jerking back to the entrance of the bar, searching for Darnell. He’d been gone for a week. She hadn’t gone that long without seeing him since they met. She liked knowing that she had a best friend that cared about her they way Darnell did.

She didn’t know if he’d find her in the crowd; she didn't feel safe standing there without him. Ten minutes after the set started, she felt a familiar hand on her back. Darnell was the only one she let touch her back that way. She turned and saw his beaming face. She made the mistake of believing his smile was for her, because he'd missed her.

They listened to a few songs. Swaying to and singing the lyrics they barely knew, Auden realized that having Darnell around was like being home. A few beers made Darnell realized that few people saw him like Auden did – maybe no one else could see him like Auden did.

“Auden. Auden!” He was used to stating things matter of factly, but he had to yell to be heard. His face kept bashing into the braid running around her head as he shouted into her ear.
She looked away from the band and smiled at his face.

“I’m gonna marry her!” His smile grew. Auden’s grin didn’t disappear right away, but as her eyes swelled wider, there was less room on her face for a smile.

“Bella! I’m going to marry Bella!”

“I know who you’re talking about!” Her voice was rarely so flat. Darnell forgot that Auden’s flat voice meant she was trying not to cry, that a flat voice meant her heart was falling down.

“I decided while we were gone to her family’s house!” Darnell saw her face flash in the lights from stage. “Wait! You like her, right?!”

“Yes! I do!”

“You’re my best friend Auden! Will you help me pick out the ring?!” He yelled this in her ear and as he got closer to her head, a bobby-pin stuck out from her head and scratched his face. Darnell barely noticed.

She pulled back from him and paused. She knew she had already lost her most trusted friend.

Her voice remained flat and she pushed his hand away from her arm. “If that’s want you want I’ll go! But you should know, you can have it all! Is she the one that’s going to help you do that?! You’re my sweetest friend….just….” Her voice faltered as the music grew louder. It was probably better that way

“God, why did you have to tell me here?! My thoughts are too broken here!” Auden had been looking elsewhere for help, the crowd, the walls, the bottle of beer in her hand. She hadn’t seen his face lose all expression. She hadn’t seen him put down a five and pick up his coat. Darnell had made the mistake of thinking she would tell him what he wanted to hear.

She grabbed his arm and the words came out before she could stop them. “Is she your sweetheart?! Can you call her that?!”

Her voice regained emotion as she yelled after him. “Wait! Wait! Let me start again!”

***

Bella sat on the tie-rug on the hardwood floor in the living room. She pulled documents out of a box. She rearranged things and filed them in a large cabinet they kept in the corner of the room. Sometimes she filed things by dates, then she’d take everything out when she found a new box and file them using another system. She liked to start again. The process gave her purpose, so boxes were piled around her and cabinet drawers were flung open.

Darnell walked in the front door. He wasn’t surprised to see the state of the living room. As he pulled off his boots, he said “I hurt myself today.”

She looked up in alarm. “Why would you do something like that?!” She tended to end questions with too much emphasis. Darnell felt intruded upon and guilty when she asked questions, even when she was only asking him to pass the salt.

“God. No. I didn’t do it on purpose, Bella. I was giving a shot to a cow and the needle got away from me. It tore a hole through my jeans and went into my leg.”

“Did it hurt?”

“Yeah. I guess it mostly stung. I usually pay more attention than that.”

Darnell sat down in the only chair that was available. “We should get rid of this thing. It’s got stains and no one fits in it right.” He spoke absentmindedly and fingered the ring on his left hand. His eyes perused the boxes on the ground.

“Where the hell did you find that box?!” By the time Bella looked up, Darnell was already moving to a box labeled “Private: Dirt Samples.”

“I guess you couldn’t read the part that said ‘Private!’” Darnell picked up the box as he spoke and treated it gently, as though the box contained sacred artifacts.

The whole episode looked odd to Bella. At first, she didn’t say anything as she continued to sit on the floor. While Darnell walked back to the chair with the box, she said, “I found a note in there. It looks like time has made the words disappear.”

A flash of anger began to race through Darnell, but he decided to calm himself instead of rage at her. It wasn’t her fault he’d chosen the ground beneath their bed for a hiding nook.

“Who wrote that note? It looks well read.”

“My dad.”

“What does it say? I couldn’t make out some of the words.”

“He gave me advice on life. Mostly about the woman I’d marry. He wanted me to find my sweetheart. I found it right after he left”

She had this way of looking at him that made him feel like he was looking at a puppy that was waiting for praise from it’s master. “Oh,” she said dreamily, “Oh. I see.”

“Yeah. My mom didn’t even know about it.”

She looked up again, intrigued by the revelation. “You mean, I’m the first person you’ve told about it?”