Paralyzed

Fall - to descend freely by the force of gravity; to leave an erect position suddenly and involuntarily ; to drop down wounded or dead; to enter as if unawares. Synonyms include stumble, stray, devolve, or break down.

For all the dreaded defining, falling has an interesting element involved. There can either be a surreal feeling of weightlessness that comes before the impact, this moment that can be sublimely euphoric or a moment that can paralyze one in fear. Falling onto fluffy pillows is much nicer than falling on asphalt, or falling and finding nothing to stop the fall.

I experienced the kind of fall that causes paralysis. Many things contributed to my catatonic state, but it started with falling in love - the kind of falling that causes euphoria. When the euphoria ran out, I felt like I'd lost some of the surest footing I'd ever been on. I traded concrete for mist.

I don't think I've ever regained that footing. I think for the past year, I've been paralyzed.

A euphoric state has been known to cause one to look past vulnerability and search for trust - to trade reason for comfort, and independence for companionship. I traded those things, but perhaps it wasn't the right situation for me to do so. We weren't committed to the same things in a relationship. We both ended up getting hurt and I ended up feeling used instead of loved.

Being paralyzed has caused me to feel loneliness to almost to the breaking point, but no more. I'm tired of this. It's done. I'm okay with saying that I need things, even though saying that makes me more vulnerable. I do need to feel loved and appreciated and wanted. I'm finished being angry and displacing that anger on people who and institutions that don't deserve it. I'm done being cynical, judgmental, and scared.

Love should have made me feel differently than this. I shouldn't have had to learn these things from in the aftermath, from the hard way. My resolution is that these things had to be learned somehow.

I'm ready to feel again, even if that means getting hurt another time, because I'll be feeling. I'm ready to be optimistic about what my future has in store for me, instead of worrying about what other people's futures have in store for me.

Also, I'm changing the name of my blog. It's time.