The Economy Scares the Hell Outta Me

It's been a couple of weeks since the $700 billion dollar bailout fellow-Americans (I think, but I really don't want to go find the exact date right now.) When I get on MSN.com, which is pretty much everyday, I am chagrined, nervous, and disappointed when I see that the DOW and NASDAQ continue to appear in red numbers - a color that should not be associated with the economy everyday.

The purpose for this post... well, there are many purposes. For me, the economy is like politics is like a bad, awkward date - I close my eyes, continue to not acknowledge it's effects on me, and pray to God someone better will come along and fix it. The economy scares the hell outta me because I don't know anything about it, or how it will effect me. I've been content to not know and have foolishly believed that many people on Wall-Street were working for the greater good. I don't have much money in savings accounts and money market mutual funds, so how could I really be affected? But, there comes a time when a woman must grow some ova and step up to understand her surroundings and how current events are shaping her future. (Grburbank reminded me of this in my comments a few posts back.)

If you want to become more well-versed in the current economic crisis AND know where to put your blame, here are a two links I found very, very helpful:

This American Life's "Another Frightening Show About the Economy"

This episode, about 58 minutes long (just click on the "full-episode" button), succinctly explains who is to blame (both Repbulicans and Democrats and all the people in-between), what these crazy "credit-default swaps" are, and other useful information, like what you can be doing for yourself. Listening to this podcast really, really helped make me aware and more educated - plus, you should just listen to TAL because it's amazing and free.

New York Times "Wall Street Bailout Plan Q and A"

This is a pretty short article, and doesn't have all the snazz that TAL does, but it explains some pretty big concepts.

Now. Can I rant? Yes. Yes I can. Although I still don't understand all the problems in the economy and have surely forgotten some things since I listened to TAL's podcast, I do get some things - like why John McCain and Barack Obama should shut up and stop pointing fingers and provide solutions because BOTH of their parties are to blame. On top of that, we, as contributors to the economy, need to step up and take some blame too. For far too long, Americans have lived on credit, lived beyond their means, - like buying houses that are too big, too expensive, and take up too many natural resources - and gambled with money on what has to be a "sure thing." There ain't no thang as a sure thang and this current crisis is a wake up call to that.

Who else is upset that this bailout is based on our tax money? That's right, the government, who does not get involved with public entities and private corporations, is using our money to save CEO's and fat cats who used too much credit - a basically non-existent form of exchange - to buy more and more and then crashed and burned? I'm pissed. Then to top that off, everyone says it's going to get worse before it gets better and if we, as "the small American", haven't really felt the effects yet, what's going to happen in a few months or years? I really don't want to think about it.

(Other things that bother me right now - why does the government have to buy stocks in companies? Socialism anyone? Why do we only have TWO options for president? Shouldn't we have more, well-backed party supported candidates? Silly anyone? Why do I keep getting fever blisters? Am I that stressed? Bah!)

So, if you've read this far, please take time to educate yourself - the act of doing so is empowering, even though it can feel like a risk. If you're an economist or smart business person or smarter or more educated than I am person who's read this far, please give feedback.

Backstage Passes

Tonight I went to my first ska concert. Ever. This is weird because I'm quite the concert goin' fool and I've loved ska since high school. Oh, the days when all the kids would dance to "Dopeman" by Less Than Jake seem so long ago. 

Anyways, that is not the point of this little post. The point is - I got to be backstage and I've never been backstage before either.

I've always envied those backstage people who are coyly hanging out on the wings of the stage waiting for the band to end. I assumed that those lucky people are kickin' it with the band and having far more romantic and adventurous lives than I will ever lead. 

I have to tell you, as I stood on the wings of the stage tonight, half hidden by the lights and and curtains, I felt so freaking cool. That's right. Cool. Perhaps I understand the appeal of being the guard at the panopticon, or perhaps I've just paid my concert dues and made it to where the cool kids hang out, but I'd definitely love to be backstage again... especially at the Bouncing Souls concert I'm going to in a few weeks.

The Mad Caddies surely know how to rock the house and be attractive at the same time. Thanks, Cynthia! for my first ska/backstage experience all in one.

Here's a video from the Mad Caddies if you like ska or just want to know what you've been missing out on; the next video is from my most favorite ska band, The Killing Moon. If you have any suggestions on sweet trumpeting bands I'm missing out on, please let me know!

Breast Cancer Capitolism

As most of you good citizens know, October is Breast Cancer Awareness month - yes the month of pink ribbons, pink bracelets, and sometimes, pink t-shirts. Now, as a disclaimer for what follows, I in no way mean to disrespect cancer victims, survivors, or research, nor do I mean to implicate my criticisms in conjunction with the loss or heartache someone experiences when they, or a loved one, deals with cancer. However, this month, I am upset, irritated, and tired of seeing pink whenever I walk into Target.

Let me start from the beginning. My family has a long history of cancer. Two of my uncles have died from skin cancer and numerous other family members, including my mom and grandpa, have dealt with benign to malignant types of cancer. Cancer has been a big part of my life, and it is something that I worry about anytime one of us gets a terrible sunburn.

A few weeks ago, an officemate, whom I love and adore, brought a pink Breast Cancer awareness oven timer to work. My other officemate and I remarked on how neat it was, and remembered that it was time to kick off our own cancer awareness. (The oven timer was eventually going to be used in class for timing activities.) 

When I went to Target later that same day, I was struck by the vastness of Target's Breast Cancer awareness, even though it was only late September. There were pink brooms and cleaning supplies, pink pots and oven mitts, pink purses, totes, and manicure sets, pink egg beaters, even pink Brita water filters.

This is when my agitation surfaced. Now. I am all for cancer research and raising money, and if this is the only research can get funds, then so be it. But the fine makers of the Brita water filter are most likely not concerned with how many women OR men are helped with their oh-so-altruistic efforts, they are most likely concerned with how many people are paying $24.99 for  a Brita water filter... and the profits reaped therein. Are we really to the point in this country that we believe a company marketing a pink broom really cares about research, or do we understand that a company has decided to tap into a very lucrative market?

I am infuriated to think that just because something pink appears on shelves in October we should buy it because we are "socially aware." (I am equally irritated at the marginalization of all things "going green" because it's good business.)

I will conceit, though, that some of these companies must have a good motive because I know there are many, many good people in the world, but when was the last time a ginormous corporation cared about one person, let alone a minority of people suffering from a disease. Doesn't the recent $700 billion dollar bailout speak volumes about the actual concerns of fat cats?

And let me get back to this broom business, because like hell I'm done ranting. A quick search on Target.com for "breast cancer" yielded 115 results. After the fifth page of results, I ran across what I would define as five - 5 - "male gendered" products, including pink gardening shears, a pink tool set, and a Madden Football game with pink packaging compared to the 15 other results per page dealing with womanly products. How does a "Fox Run Breast Cancer Awareness Baking Set" for $14.99 help people become aware of the fact that breast cancer is an unyielding beast?! Why are most of the products geared towards stereotypical, archaic women's roles? Men have mothers, sisters, girlfriends, and women in their lives. Can they not be aware? Why do we even have to have pink as the color? Because only girls like pink? Men can get breast cancer. Should they have to identify with a pink ribbon? On that note, why don't we have a Testicular Cancer awareness month? Cancer is not indicative to the female species. Bah!

What I'm really getting at here is that consumers should not feel morally obligated to buy pink products in October OR feel P.C. because they have done so. If people want to contribute to cancer awareness, why not do so directly on web-sites and bypass companies whose main goal is more money in already bulging pockets?

Are we more worried with having a pink broom so that when neighbors come over they see we are "aware," or are we worried about the disease? (I ask myself this question because I really, really wanted the pink pots.) I think that most of us consumers really want to help with cancer research and this may be the only way we know how; these are just recent thoughts on motives for doing so. If you are the person who purchases pink products because you are a good person and know you ARE helping someone, please continue to do so because the world really needs people like you, especially right now.

Any thoughts on this are more than welcome. I would love some feedback... because, really, I could be wrong.

No Longer on the Cusp of an Anxiety Attack

I know. Yay me!!! Right? Life is beginning to even out and I know longer have t

he feeling that suddenly life will implode.

Okay. Long time since my last post. But now I know why C.

 Joe was flustered for much of the past two years. Grad school is tough. I want to cry a lot. I want my mommy and a blankie and the amount of coke slurpees I ingest on a weekly basis has increased since that fateful day I found the Maverick in West Flag.

Here's a quick update on life, as I'm sure in future posts I'll return to those rants you all know and love so well.

Since being in Flagstaff, I've turned into quite the party trick. And no, not that way. I'm quite the Mormon enigma in the English department. Here's a list of things that have been said to me:

"You're Mormon?! But... you seem so sane."

"You're Mormon?! But you dress normal... and you're cute."

"I knew this Mormon once. Yeah... he/she was awful/terrible/judgmental." (To which I responded, "Yeah. Me too.")

"Are you Irish? Oh no. You can't be Irish. You're Mormon."

"Yeah. One time, on Wikipedia, my brother changed all the L.D.S. entries to read L.S.D." (Admittedly, I chuckled at this one, and then used it to show that Wikipedia is NOT a credible source.)

"So how many sister wives do you have?"

"All Mormons do is spawn, Spawn, SPAWN!" (This last one being said in front of my entire Sex, Politics, and Reproduction class. Everyone, including my professor, started laughing. Then it was pointed out that I was Mormon. It was worse than the time I was asked if Mormons have horns.)

Besides all of these comments, and the others like it, stem from ignorance, they have been opportunities for me to stand up for myself and reaffirm my faith. I've been struggling with my membership in the church for about the past year, and it's nice to finally know that I do believe, otherwise, I wouldn't say anything at all. 

I would also like to point out that these thoughtless, unlearned comments are of the minority. Most of my friends, which is why they are labeled thus, are curious and supportive and wonderful. I go out to the bars to socialize and dance, and they buy me drinks in the form of cranberry juice. They understand my informed decisions just like I understand theirs. 

So, here's the part where I break the flow and do a quick rapid fire. 

I haven't liked living in Flag. I have not liked going to school. I miss home and my family. 

I went home this past weekend for the first time in two months. I almost cried when I got to Cedar. Through conversations with wonderful people, I realized that I could either wallow in my pity, or I could do something about it. 

I got back to Flag on Monday, which was my 23rd birthday. I felt refreshed and recharged and ready to apply myself with a new fervor. I only have three semesters left after this one, so I might as well make them worth it. 

When I went out with some friends Monday night to celebrate my exit from my mother's womb, for the first real time since moving here, I felt loved. There's a lovely group of ladies in my program and we lunch every Friday after class. A few of them came out to dinner and it was great. Since I returned, I realized I have not made a wrong decision. I made a decision that put me in a challenging, new position and I must act and adapt instead of react and whine.

The point is this: we may not be in the best of circumstances, but this is it, so why not smile and decide to be happy?

Anyways. Parting shots:

Listen to Explosions in the Sky. The song "Your Hand in Mine" might just change your life.

Spending a birthday at the Dinosaur Museum in Lehi is a fantastic way to celebrate life.

Being a teacher is the best job EVER! Especially when a student tells you you're kick-ass.

I think I like being Mormon.

Kissing is awesome!

Frisco Street Grill is my new, favorite restaurant. Come visit! I'll take you there.

Raft down the Grand Canyon. It's phenomenal. 

Oh, Back to School! Back to School!

With my first day of school outfit hanging on my closet door and my backpack packed, I was far from springing out of bed this morning. A knot in my stomach grew and grew as I willed myself out of bed to be to my office on time. 

I love first days of school. Fall always brings a certain kind of zest and magic into my life that few other seasons do, except for Christmas. Christmas is the bomb dot com. Today was a very different first day of school for me. I don't actually start my student-y classes until tomorrow - Native American Lit - and today, well today was my first day teaching my very own class - ever. 

When I got to my office, I got that not so fresh feeling, you know, like the feeling one gets when missing the last step and crashing into the wall at the bottom of the stairs like an idiot. But the thing was, I had everything done. Syllabus, check. Copies of policies and homework, check. Note cards, check. I was all ready, but I was really not ready.

As the first few students trickled into LA 216, they looked more trepidatious than I felt, and after about two and a half long minutes of them staring expectantly at me, I started my first class - and it was amazing!

I don't know how many details I can share without infringing on the law or something, but I really like this whole teaching bit. I think it's really going to work out for me! Woot Woot!

Who's Long Tim?

Well, I've been gone for a while; it's true, check the dates. The past month or so, I haven't been able to articulate my thoughts on my experiences well enough to merit a post, but I'm feelin' some clarity tonight. First, the Top Ten Things I Did Whilst in Europe:

10. Met Alan Moore

9. Rode the Tube around London

8. Saw Avenue Q - quite literally the funniest musical EVER!

7. Stumbled upon my first Da Vinci painting

6. Got my very own hotel room in Paris three blocks from Notre Dame

5. Tried every new food I possibly could

4. Found out about standardized health care

3. Learned that taking days for myself and sightseeing without anyone else is a great thing to do

2. Went to Evensong at Westminster Abbey

1. I freaking went to Europe, and that is awesome!

Second. I live in Flagstaff now. Crazy, right? Oh, nay nay. Crazy, my friend, is having keys to my office and having a weekly schedule that includes teaching English 1050 Monday through Thursday at 10:20 in Room 216. Crazy is paying $600 dollars a semester for my Master's degree.

The point is, I love being here. I'm totally out of my comfort zone, but I have found my people who do not take the place of my other people, but help me to deal with living in a new state. I'm in the right spot in my life - geographically, chronologically, emotionally, intellectually, and academically - but that's not saying I won't continue to try to improve.

The one thing, dear analytical reader, that is missing from my list is spirituality. This past year has been a difficult for my membership in the church, but I haven't ever doubted that my membership is right and a good thing; I've just had questions, and frankly, I've gotten lazy.

I've come to the realization, once again, that life is totally about balance and I've let certain aspects of my life get out balance, most of which has been my connection with God and spirituality. I was trying to distance myself from the things I don't like about going to church or interacting with members of the church, and I began to turn my back on God.

But, my relationship with God, Jesus Christ, and the Spirit, and my membership in the church has nothing to do with nuisances of church culture or other members. I've learned, through many sources, that I must be Sarah La Rue and that my religious affiliations are through The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, that my intellectual pursuits help me understand the world and humanity better and more compassionately, that I am an English teacher who loves comic books, Batman, and graphic novels, that I am, always have been, and always been an intellectual and a feminist, and that how I must live is through a balanced existence of all that I am.

Irish Hospitals

Ireland - not entirely sketchy... just the bits in Dublin.

We left to Ireland on Saturday afternoon and flew via Ryanair - a very good, cheap option for flying throughout Europe if you don't mind flight delays on every flight you're on. Anyhoo, since there are lots of people who want to fly cheap, the flights are almost always full. On our flight, I met two very nice English ladies, and one not so nice English lady who didn't cover her mouth when she coughed (I promise this will make sense and tie in.... but I'm kind of hopped up on cold pills...).

Anyways, when we got to Dublin, we took a taxi into town because we didn't really know where our Hostel was located. 27 Euros later we we relieved to find that our Hostel wasn't in the section of Dublin that looked like Compton - instead, we were in the section that looked like regular L.A. The hostel itself though, was very nice. Very attractive Irish blokes at the front - check. 16 bed mixed-sex room - check. Token American girls who made me embarrassed to be American - check.

We walked around the city for about an hour and quickly realized that EVERYBODY bloody smokes there. We even saw 4 12 year-olds craned over a bridge sneaking puffs from a cigarette - gross. Then we went to a traditional Irish pub and I had Shepard's Pie, which was magnificent and got hit on by 3 drunk Irishmen - so neat! Then, to top things off, I saw a crack whore in the bathroom. No. For real. There was a scantly clad woman stuffing small ziploc bags containing white pills into another ziploc bag - sketchy. Then we walked the streets of Dublin and took in the live bands, leprechauns, and more drunk Irishmen.

The next day was wonderful though - we went on a tour to Wicklow, which is in the country. Basically we saw incredible lakes, churches, cemeteries, monasteries, more lakes, and sheep, lots of sheep. While we were hiking around, I noticed a complete lack of energy on my behalf - note the story starting to tie in and the real purpose behind this post :D - and a sore throat coming on.

I am very, very susceptible to strep throat/tonsillitis, hence the woman coughing on the plane would have done well to cover her f****ng mouth. Suffice it to say that by the time we got back at midnight, I could barely speak/breathe. At about 12:30, I had a full-on asthma attack and had to be transported to a hospital in an ambulance - which took longer than a cab to get to our hostel; standardized health care - strike one.

They rushed me right in to see a nurse, but no doctor. My nurse/ the only nurse on staff for the night was a freaking bitch and told me I was having trouble breathing because I forgot my inhaler - yeah. People who forget inhalers regularly throw up when struggling to breathe. She also repeatedly told me to calm down, which I was trying to do, but you know, not breathing for almost a minute is somewhat scary... crazy, right? Anyways, after a breathing treatment, I was told to go wait to see the doctor. It took FIVE FREAKING HOURS!!! Standardized health care - strikes two and three.

When I finally saw a doctor, she basically told the nurse to be nicer to me because I was obviously in respiratory distress and also had tonsillitis. Lame. After another breathing treatment, blood tests, and chest x-rays, I was finally released at about 6:30 in the morning.

There were many more exciting details, but suffice it to say, the last third of my time spent in Ireland was not fun - at all. I've been down and out for the past few days, but am finally feeling a little better today. We're going to Stratford Upon-Avon tomorrow and I'll be seeing Avenue Q tomorrow night, but I missed Stonehenge and am super sad about having to "rest" whilst in Europe. Friday we're headed to Paris and Barcelona, so hopefully this cold won't be any more of a nuisance.

Sorry about the rant/extended blog, but I'm kind of whiny right now. Overall, Ireland = fun; Irish hospitals = shame on you.

2 Days of Update

These are the e-mails to my parents from the last few days - sorry, I'm just so flippin' worn out!

July 14 -15

Yesterday - I went on walking tour of Shakespeare's London - amazing! We took a boat ride, saw the Globe, saw the place of the original Globe and other neat theatres, learned amazing facts - about roles, box offices, and the word "addiction" - strolled about a quaint street in London, and ate at the oldest pub in London - fish and chips, woot woo! - with some ginger ale. Note: do not go into a bar in London and ask for something non-alcoholic - the people will shame you. We also ate gelatto along the river Thames. Next we toured Westminister Abbey - PHENOMINAL!!!!!!! The energy was so strong from the hundreds of years of people and events. The paintings and architecture were fabulous. I teared up a time or two. Then, we went to a swanky little place and had tea, and I tried duck rolls, yum!, and then went back to the abbey to attend an evening service. It was, again, phenominal. They read from St. James and a choir sang. They sounded like angels and their voices filled the entire abbey. It was so moving. The last bit of the day was spent at the Globe - we saw "A Mid-Summer Night's Dream." We were "groundlings" which consisted of standing and watching the play. The play was the best production of that particular play I've ever seen, hiliarious! and dirty, but I was nearly in tears by the end because my feet hurt soooooooo badly. Yesterday was a really big day.


Today, I slept in because my knee hurt so bad, but I left about noon and walked around. I went down past this church and found a neat little street. We found a market and it's so much better than Wal-Mart. The food is soooo much better here! I can't get over it. It's healthy and filling and full of life and flavors - I will miss it. Plan on getting some chocolate as a souvenir - it's also much better here. Then we went to the National Gallery. I could have spent all day there. It's a free museum and they have hundreds of paintings. Picasso, Renoir, Cezanne, Rembrant, and Da Vinci! I saw my first Da Vinci today and then stayed and just looked for 20 minutes. It was brilliant. I don't think I've ever seen something that I connected with so quickly. This evening, we had tea and treats in a quaint garden cafe before watching "Twelfth Night" in a garden theatre - also great, although I liked last night's production more.

There's so much more, but I have to be up in a few hours. Tomorrow, we're going to the Tower of London, and we're hosting a fancy tea and crumpets party in our bedroom :D

Also, good thing I saved. Everything is freaking expensive here!

July 16

Well, I'm pretty much spent today. We do at least two things everyday, but it's starting to wear on me. I love being out in the city, and I don't want to waste any minute of being here, but it's hard to go go go all the time.
Today we woke up early and went to the Tower of London. It was so neat! There are so many figures in history that have been in that place that I'm really interested in. Sir Walter Raleigh was there for 13 years - I think that may have been the cruelest punishment; the man helped establish the new world for god's sakes - "hey! let's lock him up!" RUDE/very ironic. The towers were amazing and there were so many neat artifacts - carvings on walls from prisoners, an armory, suits of armor, chapels, and one very roomy/generous medieval jock strap that I got a close up picture of :D What was really interesting were the tiny suits of armor made for children - it's sad to think a six year old would have had to don those suits for any reason at all. (Oh, I got you a spoon from the Tower mom :D and, Dad, what the crap do you want? you're a difficult person to shop for - I was thinking a stein from Dublin???)

Anyways, after that we went to another art museum called the Tate Britain. They had a lot of modern art, and it wasn't that exciting - there were a few pieces like Lady Macbeth and Flaming June that were interesting, but I was kind of pooped on art museums. Later, we ate lunch at a nice little Italian restaurant run by actual Italians - one of whom was liking the tall American with pink hair :D - we also had this amazing chocolate cake! I can't get over the food here, and somehow, I'm losing weight - woot!

The last place we went today was the Tate Modern. We weren't expecting much, but it was great. They had Picasso's from all throughout his life and lots of artists I'd never heard of before. The ones I liked the most were the Lichtenstein's and the Warhol's. They both had a very comic booky feel to them, and it's probably what I liked the most about them. What I think is so neat is that all of the art museums are free.... well, they do ask for a donation though. It's nice to be somewhere where art is so privileged that they feel everyone should have access to great works.

Every time we wander into the heart of London, I'm struck by how romantic the city is. People are very willing to show affection here, and it makes me want to have someone's hand to hold, but, c'est la vie! One day I'll come back - start planning for the honeymoon "gift" now... or should I say "donation"?....

Anyhoo, I think I'm going to go wander off to a rose garden before I head to bed! Love you both lots!

Sars

My First Consumption of Alcohol

I'm too tired to blog a new post, so this is an e-mail I sent to my parents. Don't jugde :D Oh, and I'm not coming home. I like it way too much here!

*****

Today was FANTASTIC! I slept in, went to Oxford street and bought a sweater and Italian ice cream (and I also caved and bought some Tevas because my feet are freaking killing me and we've only been here for three days - hundred dollars well spent). Then we saw the Lion King - phenomenal! I got all vaclemped during the first song - "The Circle of Life" - and the elephant was my favorite animal to appear; it took four people to operate her! After that, my friend Anne and I did a little more shopping and I got a pashmina and am very European now. We then stopped at a delightful little cafe and had dinner al fresco amongst some shubbery (very appealing ;D). Next to us in the window seat was this party of old English people. They were dressed in tweed and ate so properly. It just fit because everything here is just so darn quaint it's adorable! I tried all new things too! First, we started out with a chicken something and foie gras which was surprisingly delectable, then I had lamb! (you were right dad! awesome), and then we shared Tiramisu. Although we had told the waiter we didn't drink, he was a douche let us order the dessert. We ate about half before we realized that European Tiramisu isn't made with espresso, it's made with Mariscapone - hence, my first taste of alcohol. I did NOT like it.

I love it here. I can't believe I'm so lucky to have so much time to spend in such a wonderful city. Everywhere we go is exciting. There are so many different languages being spoken on the same block - it's a wonderful cultural experience. The city is quite clean and there's really no pollution. I love love love riding the tube. I did it all by myself last night, and felt like such a big girl, when I went to see Alan Moore - who is AMAZING! I was really afraid to meet him because he seems very intimidating and, well, crazy psycho-murderer looking, but he was really one of the most genuine and kind authors I've ever met before. Also, last night, my womanly wiles charmed two comic book geeks at the reading and they helped me find the tube (read one was trying to help the other get laid in a geeky, charming, but oh so inept way). OOOOhhh, and I lost my Oyster Card last night at the reading too. I was really upset because they are very expensive, 50 dollars for one week of riding the tube, and I thought it was forever lost after I'd only gotten 2 days use out of it. Well, I checked at the reception desk and someone had turned it in - karma was finally good to me after all the wallets I've turned in.

The people aren't as nice as I expected; everyone is kind of in a hurry and they sure don't mind pushing you out of the way to get what they want, but that doesn't matter - I love it. The city is so dynamic and there's so much history here. I'm trying to soak it all up. I think that this may be the first real thing I've ever done for just myself and I don't think I could have ever picked a better way to spend these three weeks :D Miss you guys (okay... not really) but I do love you!

A Question of Polygamy

I must apologize if you are not familiar with the L.D.S church and are reading this post. If you would like to know about any of the jargon I use and do not explain, visit www.lds.org. I'm not trying to convert you, merely give you a place that will better explain Mormon vocabulary.

Are you prepared for a lengthy blog containing personal information, religious questions, and lots of talk about polygamy? Really? Okay.

I have questions. Lots of questions. In fact, one of the facets of my personality is my puppy-like curiosity pertaining to all things. Lately, I've had lots of questions about The Church. The Mormon Church. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. My questions are either stemming from or coinciding with a time in my life where it was been very difficult for me to attend church and church functions. Many of my questions are definitely stemming from my feminism and my intellect. I've reached the point where I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ like my feminism, my intellect, and my curiosity - no one will ever convince me of anything different.

That said, knowing that I am loved and appreciated from on high does not answer the questions that I have. Instead, I have more confidence in asking them. Of all my questions, which I will not go into here because this will be long already, I want to know about polygamy (the practice of one spouse having more than one spouse, but for Mormons, the male having multiple wives), and here's what I already know (feel free to correct me if I am wrong, which I might be... because, hey, I'm human - that whole perfection thing that's promised is coming, I'm sure).

• Polygamy was a practice used both in the Old and New Testaments, and is still used in some religions in the world today.
• Polygamy was practiced in the L.D.S. church from about 1880 to 1910 and was instituted, via revelation from God, by Joseph Smith the Prophet.
• Polygamy in the L.D.S. church was a calling. Not every member practiced polygamy.
• One of the "reasons" for polygamy is said to be that there were more women than men at the time it was instituted. I have been told, by an Institute teacher, that this is absolutely false and that Church records show that there were actually more men than women at the time.
• The practice of polygamy was stopped because it was revealed so, but also because Utah needed to become a state and the government would not allow that event to occur until Mormons no longer practiced polygamy.
• The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints no longer practices polygamy.

Now. With all of that, I have many questions, most of which will not ever be answered in this lifetime - shaking fist for eternal perspective. Here are a few of my questions.

• If Joseph Smith was in turmoil because of this principle, why was the succeeding prophet, Brigham Young, so eager to practice it?
• Will polygamy once again become a practice on this earth for members of The Church? In the millennium maybe?
• Will there be polygamy in heaven, specifically, the Celestial Kingdom?
• How can people practice this? And I mean ever.
  
• Could I ever practice this?

Okay. So, I'm not going to understand the Joseph vs. Brigham situation. They were people with unique personalities. I've been told that polygamy will never be a commandment on this earth again, but let's face it, a boy goes into the woods to ask a simple question and wabam! you've got the restored gospel.

So, where does my anxiety stem from? And believe me, I've been on the verge of an anxiety attack at the over-pondering of sharing my husband with another woman, even if she was Mary herself. My anxiety stems from having to share what is most sacred and trustworthy with another woman or multiple wives. And it's more than just the union of sex. It's that there are two of us and I want my husband to be for me. I don't want him to romantically love another woman, share his thoughts as he would with me, or be sealed for time and all eternity to two of us when there is one of him. That's it. I don't want to share. Sharing is caring, and in this arena, I am care free. Selfish? Eek. Maybe. Justifiable? I don't think you'll find many people who disagree with me.

Being sealed to both my husband and another one of his wives scares the ever-livin' out of me.

To make this more complicated - what if I die and my husband marries and is sealed to someone else? (In the L.D.S. church, men can be sealed to more than one woman while a woman can only be sealed to one man - a serious question for another blog.) Or, what if he dies first and is sealed to someone else? What then? Am I totally left out of that decision because the flippin' veil is in the friggin' way?

I've seriously wrestled with these questions for years. And my heart has NEVER felt an ounce of peace, even when I pray about it. The "it'll all work out beyond the veil" stock-answer does not suffice for me here and we Mormons avoid talking about polygamy at all costs, except when to make fun of the F.L.D.S. church and the polygamists at Wal-Mart. We talk about polygamy like we talk about the fact that black men could not hold the priesthood until the 70's.

But, I finally have an answer. After years of questioning, I got my answer. Agency. Agency can never be taken away from us, by God or man, unless we give it away ourselves. No matter if it's here or there, we will always have agency - God made sure of it. If I choose not to be in a polygamous marriage, I don't have to be. If my husband doesn't want to be sealed to anyone more than me, he doesn't have to be.

I cannot adequately explain how my soul feels relief at this moment, but I feel a renewed light in myself, a light that hasn't been there for a while and that makes all the difference for me today, and for my years of questioning.

If you would like to read the article I read, here is the link. Pages 151-52 are what I concentrated on.

I hope this helps. I hope it helps me more in the future and with how I am finding my path to heaven.